I am toying with the idea of starting to study some. Only a little and at my speed, so to speak. Hopefully, I will someday get into the university to study webdesign. It feels like somewhat more realistic than my dream to become a movie director/script writer.
But on the other hand there seems to be a lot of subjects that I need to get ‘basic authorisation’ (word for word translation). I want to start the university now! But, alas, I have to be patient, and see if I can even handle to study.
Another idea I’m toying with is getting a new tattoo. I know what I want and that is one paw print from both of my cats, and then write their name over each paw in a squiggly handwriting. The problem is (besides money) is I don’t exactly know where to put it. I mean, if I got another cat someday, I would want that cat’s paw print too. So there’s got to be room for more paw prints =^_^=. Maybe the ankle? Hmm, well there’s time to think about that.
I have a tough decision to make. I have to decide whether I should keep my cat Nicholas or not. It’s a tough one and I am really agonizing over this. I live in an apartment, and thus, he is an indoor cat. For most of the time anyway. When I visit my parents they let him go out in the back yard. And he loves it! But when we get back home he seems frustrated (and I don’t blame him for that) and meows and wants to go outside. But I can’t let him out on the streets where the cars drive by in high speed and so on.
So, do I give him time and hope that he will eventually calm down when he grows older (he’s only 10 months)? Or do I try to find him a home where he can be outside, preferably with some cat friends to play with? It would be the best thing to do for him probably. But for me? I would feel terrible, giving up on a friend that I have settled on spending a long time with. I don’t know, I just want to cry when I think about it. Damn!!!
It would probably be the best thing for Nicholas to live with someone where he could come and go as he pleased. But I don’t know anybody who could take him in. If I knew a friend of a friend or something so I still could keep in touch, or hear news about him.. I thought of my sister, but I don’t think she wants to take care of him and second, it would be too hard on me to see him. Damn again, I don’t know what to do!!!
Yes, I’m Finally back after spending the weekend att my parents. I’m feeling pretty beat, to tell you the truth. My brother and his wife, and her 6-year-old son from a previous marriage was there too. So it was a tad bit stressful. My sister-in-law’s son was very unruly and poured water with soap in all over my cat Nicholas (among other things), for no reason at all! I had to bathe the cat to rinse out all the soap. So that stressed me out a bit, him not doing as he was told immediately and so on. Don’t know why exactly, since he wasn’t my responsibility so to speak.
Then there was the actual Christening. It all went well fortunately, but since I’ve left the Swedish church, it all felt a bit hypocritical to stand there, with the priest and and let her be “born into the Swedish chuch”. It all felt so wrong somehow. My opinion is that the gods didn’t create humans, humans created the gods. All religions seem so contrarious, it just doesn’t work out. Take the Bible for an example. On one page it says ‘An eye for an eye’, and on the other ‘Turn the other cheek’. It’s like, I can pick and choose whatever I see fit for the situation.
If I’m a Christian and don’t like homosexuals I say that it says in the Bible that it’s wrong for men to sleep with men as he does with a woman. Or if I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a homosexual then I can follow Jesus’ saying ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’. It’s like modern t.v, it’s something for everybody and as I said, you can choose exactly what fits your opinion of Life, Universe and Everything. Maybe I will elaborate on this subject when I’m not so tired.
Now, I’m not saying that I’m not proud to be my niece’s Godmother. I am. But I would have and will be there for her no matter what. God or not. But if it is important for the parents to splash a little water on a baby’s head, then by all means, go ahead.
But if I were to have a baby, then I’d rather throw the baby a party with friends and families instead of a Christening.
I’ve changed my website a bit. It’s a mixture of DOS and Commodore 64 and what have you, to give it that ‘old computer style’. It doesn’t look the way I want it to, yet, that is. I’ve been trying to get in some frames but I can’t for the life of me comprehend it. I’ve tried copy/paste from some tutorials, and then changed it a little bit as I thought it should look. But does it work? Nooo.. Of course not! :o(
And then there’s another thing I am impatient about. I want that aquarium so bad, that I am actually considering getting a loan. From a bank. Stupid huh, but it can’t hurt to ask if it is cheaper by the month to take a loan or a downpayment. Yes, I know I am weird, and probably crazy, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want that aquarium! I can’t get it out of my head. And it’s depressing to think about all the time it will take to save up the money. Hmm.. I don’t know.
I’m so shattered, I don’t even know where to begin. One more place to write in, the dream blog, I started up today in which I am supposed to write what I dream during the night (if I feel like it). But there are so many places that I can write in, I don’t know where the best place is sometimes. Here, or my personal diary files, och perhaps the diary at qruiser.com (swedish gay community).
I think there’s a reason for this shatteredness (is that a word?). And that is the fact that I haven’t been very careful. By careful I mean taking care of myself such as eating right, sleeping and.. Taking my meds. It’s not intentional, but if you skip a few doses here and there, I guess it eventually starts to show. I feel somewhat restless, and it’s hard to gather any thoughts. The fact that I’m alone right now, and in use of company doesn’t help.
Everything I write seems pointless, and I’m writing about a word a minute now. My brain works slowly and my head feels empty. That’s schizophrenia for ya. Well, a few of the symptoms anyway. But I will take my medicine from now on, it’s just that I tend to get in these little dips, when I don’t care or put taking the medicine off and then forget it altogether. But I will stop writing now before it gets too long drawn.
I have come to a place, with my website, that I know what I want, how it should look and so on, but I haven’t a clue how to do it! I guess it is time.. Time to learn HTML. I’ve been putting it off because I cannot comprehend it. Sure I get the simple tags but when I look at a webpage’s source code, I get like: What the fuck??! How do you get it to look the way you want to with just, well, text? And actually work the way I want to with links and so on.
Now, I am probably the world’s laziest person. If there’s a easy way out, I’ll take it. But, alas, there doesn’t seem to bee an easy way out of this. I’ll just have to find a way to learn HTML.
But being the laziest person in the world means that I don’t want to do the basics, I want to learn exactly what it is I have to know for my website, and only that. But I guess it’s the hard way then..
To not totally bring you down, I’ll (try to) add a nice song and video of course =)
Yes, I am working on tiny details on my website, and it feels real Good when something you try works the way you want it to, but you haven’t a clue how or why. ;)
I’ve managed (with a little help from a friend) to put up a website icon. Sadly it doesn’t show in Internet Exploder :( So everyone, use Mozilla Firefox! :D
What else have I done? Well, I’m proud to say that syntium.nu now has its very own guestook! But it’s very empty..
And the about page is also updated for anyone who is interested.
I guess in this blog I will write a lot about building a website, but on another personal note: Yesterday I was on a meeting with my therapist and some people from some work rehabilitation place (don’t know exactly how to translate that) but anyway, it felt pretty good, maybe I’ll get something worthwile to do during the days.
But its scary also. They give you a year and after that you either need to have a job, or be available for one. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to meet their expectations. But we’ll see so watch this space! :)
Yes, I have finally managed to move my blog to my own site. Well, that wasn’t so hard, as it was uploading the theme I wanted (wrong folder *cough cough*).
But now it all finally looks pretty much like I want it to. For the time being anyway. I will of course add more to the website and so on, but now my current mood is: Content. :) I am so proud of what I have accomplished so far, it’s almost disgusting ^^. The only thing that bugs me is the link on www.syntium.nu to the blog isn’t the color that I wanted. But, that will have to be a later question, right now I’ll just enjoy what I have done.
(And yes, the title of this blog is a song by Wolfsheim too)
Yeah, what is the trick to lose weight anyway? I mean, I know what I should do, but why is it so hard to do it? Just exercise and eat right, right?
No. I go to the gym approximately two times a week. And between that I try to take short walks. Short because I am overweight and my backs killing me if I stand up too long, but it’s a start. The problem is.. Every time I do something healthy for me like go to the gym or take a walk, I have to do something to ‘counterattack’ that. Like today. I was feeling sleepy as hell but instead of taking a nap on the couch as usual, I took a little walk around the block. And I was feeling pretty good about myself, but when I got to the store (which was my goal to buy food for dinner) I could not resist buying chocolate pudding!
And when I go to the gym, and come back home hungry, I often buy a pizza instead of eating something that’s healthy for me.
It’s like, if I do something good, then I have to counter it with something bad (as said).
Now, why is that? My best guess is that it’s low self esteem. I can’t let myself do anything good because then I have to like punish myself somehow. It’s weird and it’s complicated, but I hope you get my meaning.
If I did lose any weight it would.. Like change my whole self image of not being able to accomplish anything. Which of course would be a good thing, that I could learn to accept the fact that I am not totally.. What’s the word here? Useless? Worthless? Hopeless? Maybe all of the above.
I want to lose weight, and I really, really need to (for my back and stuff). But it’s hard to think you’re not worth the things you dream of. That, and the fact that I am lazy as hell. But writing this here now gave me some inspiration to go out and take walks and maybe ad an extra day at the gym. So if I maybe try to keep writing down (maybe not always here) that I need to lose weight, then I will get inspired to do so. I will prevail!
D just ‘diagnosed’ me of having Mental Restless Legs Syndrome. Like a restless brain I guess. ^_^
After years and years and Years (!) of depression and getting diagnosed (for real) as a schizophrenic, it feels like I can finally say that I feel good (well most of the time anyway). But then there’s this feeling of feeling uncomfortable, restless and so on. So what do I do to cure these feelings? I buy stuff, like clothes (which I need ofc, but they’re often too small since I buy them off the Internet. But it’s okay ’cause I AM going to lose weight). And I bought a domain (which this blog will eventually move to, but that’s a later question). And through all of this I need to buy food and save up for a new aquarium. So money’s a little short these days. But, I will make it and not ask annoying parents for a loan! So help me Goddess! ;P
And I suppose next month won’t that easy either with expenses like a chistening gift for my niece. And there’s bills to pay and so on.. But I won’t nag about that now, it’s depressing enough as it is. My point is that I need to channel my energy through something else, like taking walks (I really need that) and so on.
But I have this urge to buy stuff. Take the aquarium for instance. It costs 7k (Swedish currency) and to me that is a lot of money. I am afraid that I will regret it when I have bought it, or feel like I have wasted my hard saved money on something I don’t really need. (Well I don’t need it but the fishies need a bigger place).
But on the other hand I really want that aquarium, I think it’s fun with fish and aquariums. So.. I don’t know. I will stop ranting now, before I go insane, muhaha..
I have this thing for notebooks. They fascinate me to no end. I used to have diaries (you know, the thing with the notebook and the pen and you’d write what you’ve done during the day, and some ‘personal feelings’ as well probably. Yeah, pretty much a blog, but without the possibility of a gazillion readers). Well, anyway.. I used to keep them under my mattress, but then I got too paranoid, and stupid me burned the notebooks. I was too afraid of someone finding them and reading them. And then I met my best friend in the whole wide world, (henceforth known as D) D. He had made this encryption program which made it possible for me to keep secret diary files on my computer. They are so secret, that they have a secret password.
But.. I truly miss not being able to write in a notebook. I am just too paranoid, it would be too easy for someone to read a regular diary. But then again, I like having the freedom of expressing every little emotion or thought and feeling safe knowing that no one can read it (and thanks goes out to D for his program Saturn, a little program which makes diary writing easier!).
Back to my fascination with notebooks. Beautiful notebooks, mind you. When in stores I always go to the section where they keep the notebooks and see if there’s anyone I like. Usually you have to go to a book stores to find the really beautiful (and expensive) ones. I found one today, but alas, I didn’t buy it. First of all because I need to save money, and second, I don’t have any use for it. Sure, I have this notebook where I am supposed write down ideas for story’s and such, but I don’t use it very often because I simply have no ideas to write down. But still I can’t help dreaming about filling those pages with words.
Though I may have found ‘a way out’. I will be a collector of notebooks! Of course I will only buy those I really like. The paper itself is very important, it can’t be too thick, it has to be thin and sort of make this special noise when you have written something on the pages and flip through them. Or, like the one today that had an unusual shade of color to its pages.
Yeah, I know I am weird..
I guess I’ve got a blog again. Yay me! ;) Don’t know how much I will post here, maybe every now and then when I feel like sharing something in english, a youtubevideo, pictures of my aquarium or something like that.
So what’s been going on in my mind lately? Well, except for annoying parents, I’m toying with the idea of going to South Africa to do some volunteer work on a research center for marine wildlife like dolphins, sharks and other animals I guess.
But it is expensive as hell so I don’t know.. The thing is, I want to find out who and what (?) I really am. And I think that if I forced myself to get to a situation that is totally new to me, then perhaps I’d be forced to open up. I’d be forced into trusting myself to handle things on my own. And perhaps that would give me a whole new level of self confidence. Plus I may get to work with dolphins ^^. But then again, it all comes down to the money. So I wonder if it’ll ever happen.
