Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: Pissed off!

And they wonder why this contempt for politicians are growing..
It’s because our representatives, the people we have chosen to speak for us, doesn’t give a crap what the citizens wants but just go for their own agenda. To advance their own careers. I’m not a politcal person, quite the opposite actually. I just have never taken an interest in it. Maybe, I have, during elections and such, tried to listen to a debate sometime, but they always bored me to no end.

But now there’s been a law that the majority of the Swedish government voted yes to. The, in Swedish called FRA-lagen (or the FRA-law), wich means pretty much that the Swedish citizens are under constant surveillance. E-mail, chatting, text messaging, you name it, they’re watching it. And they do so without the slightest suspicion of a crime committed. No, everyone is a suspect until proven guilty! And it’s not like it was the Moderate party that just thought up the idea of watching people. No, it was the Social Democracy party who first came with the suggestion. So theyr’re both as bad as the other. And that pisses me off, that you can’t trust anyone these days. If you ever could. I have sometimes toyed with the thought of being a politician myself, just so that there’ll be one honest soul there. One who stands up for their beliefs. One who won’t sell out the Swedish people, just because it’s a good career move.

I really hope the citizens of Sweden will do whatever they can to stop this law. Go out and do something! I know, it’s easy for me to sit here and say that you should go out and protest, and I don’t live in Sockholm myself so that I can go and protest outside the parliament building, so I don’t really know what to do. But I hope the Swedish people get off their lazy asses and start protesting! (Myself included of course, I will try and find a way to spread the word through this blog and other means).

I’m just so sick of it all! I want to go out and do something but I just don’t know what.

//Despondent Syntium

Current mood: Undecided

Well, I bought this diary, with a padlock. But the thing is, yesterday I wanted one so that I could write a diary with a pen instead of like I am doing now, encrypting files on the computer. And I can’t decide whether I should continue with secret, waay more safe, encrypted files, or if I should use this beautiful diary. Doesn’t seem that safe as encrypted files but on the other hand, people can’t read it if they don’t have the key. Or if you tear the lock away, either way I would know because I’m planning to wear the key in a chain around my neck, and hide the spare key so well that I’ll probably forget where ^_^.

I guess I could give it a shot. Not that I have a whole lot to write about, but there is a special feeling about flipping through pages you have filled with words. It’s like an accomplishment and you feel a little bit proud.

Then there’s this fun thing with going back in a year or two and see what you have written. And use different colored pens and so on.. I have no idea where this obsession with diaries and notebooks come from. It’s like.. now I have a blog, I have a diary, I have a video diary, I have a notebook where I scribble down things like ideas for stuff and so on. Why do I do all of this. First of all, I guess it’s like therapy. And second it’s fun to look back on.

From my late teens I started to write diarys, and I wrote a lot! But, alas, in a whim of paranoia and feeling better combined (however that works) I got rid of all of my diaries. And that was a stupid thing to do, but I couldn’t handle the thought of someone might reading them, and second, I felt better at the time so it felt almost like a spring cleaning. Out with the old, in with the new or something like that. I burned all the pages that contained so much self hatred and angst.

I am also adding a picture of a notebook I just couldn’t resist. Don’t know if you can see it, but it has a slight, slight shade of yellow to its pages. I think it’ll be my next ‘idea book’, if I manage to fill the pages of the one I already got.

And on another note: I’m adding a link (in swedish) about how certain people (if not all politicians it seems) wants to censor the internet.

Link

//Syntium

Current mood: Creative

Well, creative as in I want to start writing those memoirs of mine, but for some reason it just doesn’t work. It’s like, if I try to start to write something or the thought of writing even remotely passes my head, it’s like a door slamming shut! I just can’t continue, and it’s so frustrating!

On another note: No video camera. At least not now. Which is cool because I can make some video diaries with my digital camera. Not that I have felt the need. So I guess it was a good thing that I didn’t rushed off and bought that video camera (not that I didn’t try to get it with down payment *cough cough*).
It would have been fun, but the digital camera will suffice for my meager needs, I guess, so..

//Syntium

Current mood: Impatient

I’ve decided to get a video camera! At least I think I have decided..
I will use it for video diaries, and for other stuff of course. The video diaries will be secret, as my secret diary files. I’ll have to find a way to encrypt such a thing. Sometimes, it doesn’t suffice with just writing. You need to talk to somebody. And my therapist had a day off today, so I couldn’t talk to her. Maybe a video camera would help. Because it feels like you sometimes need to hear the words in your head out loud. Hmm.. Well, we’ll see what happens.

//Video Syntium

Part II 22:44

Current mood: Stressed

I feel stressed out, but I can’t exactly pinpoint why I do so. Maybe it’s all the ideas I’ve got in my head like the video camera, and writing a book and so on. And I feel stressed by my own impatience. That I can’t start writing Now, because I don’t really have a clue where to start and so on and so forth. I feel that I can’t relax at all. And I feel too dependant on certain people, people I really shouldn’t trust that much, it feels, or rather need so much.

Ah, I don’t know.. My head just feels.. disorganized or something (don’t even know if that’s a word).

//Syntium

Current mood: Sleepy (what else is new)

I’ve deen tired a lot lately. Mainly due to, I should guess, trying to get a grip of how exactly to make a wordpress theme without knowing Anything about HTML, PHP and CSS.

I just want to make a simple theme, that looks like the first page (I want the font and so on), it shouldn’t be that hard to take some basic theme and tweak and change the way you want it to look, but still keep the functions of the original theme, should it? Apparantly it should. -_-
I’ve been trying to follow these tutorials, but they get me nowhere! I guess you need some basic knowledge of the suff mentioned above. All this focusing and concentrating makes me very, Very tired.

I’m thinking about writing a book, like my memoirs or something. I don’t mean to be assumptive, but it feels like I have a story to tell that could be important for others to hear. Especially for those working with kids, or within the psychiatry. Or for those who are in a situation that is similar to what mine was. Maybe I can help them to put words to what they feel inside. And (it’s a cliche I know) if I can help one then it would be worth it.

Still missing Nicholas, but I suppose it is only the way it should be. We we’re friends for eight months, and suddenly he’s just gone. So, no wonder I miss him. But I try to focus on that he’s happy now.

//Syntium

Current mood: Tired beyond human understanding

Think I have been sleeping too much lately. Because sleeping too much, makes you even more sleepy. Or so I have found out.

Still missing Nicholas. Sometimes, the apartment seem so empty, and it feels hard that I won’t be able to see him anymore. Though I did get to see pictures of him yesterday. He looked, well, happy and he probably is now that he gets to go outside as much as he wants to, and has a big house to explore.
But it has been some good things coming out of this (besides Nicholas being happy) and that is that I dug out my Playstation 2 (and my Dreamcast) and started playing some Kingdom hearts. It’s a very fun game I must say.

And of course, to be fair, I will post the Rasmus paw tattoo also :)

//Syntium

Part II: 17:51

Current mood: Ambitious

Well, I’ve added an about page to my site, and I am thinking of actually creating a simple blog myself. I don’t know exactly how to do it though, with the links, and the calendar. I guess it would just be the basics, for starters. But I know what I want it to look like at least. :o) I want the two blogs to have the same feel as the other pages, like an old computer or something. But how do I do it?

//Syntium

Current mood: Sad, Tired, Empty       

Yesterday, my cat Nicholas moved to a new family. It all happened very fast, it was only last monday that I heard of a family that could take him in. Once decided that they should have him, I couldn’t wait to get it overwith. Not because I didn’t want Nicholas anymore, but I felt the need to grieve him.

Of course, I tried to spend as much time with him as possible, during these last few days.
And now, my apartment seem empty. I don’t know how I’ll get used to this, but I guess I eventually will.

And I’m adding the song this post was named after. Have listened to it a lot these past few days. I don’t know… Feels like I know how the guy in the video feels.

.. And of course embedding was disabled so, here’s a link. Hopefully.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=nDZJU2xneD8

//Syntium

Current mood: Torn

Yes, I am getting a new tattoo on Tuesday already! I thought the tattoo artist weren’t available until November or something. (He is really good, the best in my town, at the very least). Anyway, I am going to do those paw prints with the cat’s names written above them in a finical style. I think it will be a real cool and a meaningfull tattoo. For me.

//Syntium

Part II 16:11

Current mood: Restless

Don’t feel torn anymore between happy and.. Well, I don’t know exactly what to call this mood. It feels like ants crawling inside my body, and my belly contains a million butterflies. Sure, I had a rough day yesterday, but should it affect today? Obviously it does. I feel crappy to say the least, despite that I was so happy and psyched about the tattoo before. Yesterday, I actually considered drinking some alcohol. Luckily I didn’t have any at home so, I went out and bought an expensive 2 litres bottle of coke. But I miss it. The feeling of beeing totally relaxed and just almost sleepy, and able to laugh at anything. Heck, I even miss the taste of alcohol. But I can’t drink it, because that would risk my life.
But I hate being limited and not be able to do what others do! I hate being easily stressed! I hate having schizophrenia and having to take alot of pills just to feel ‘normal’!

Ah, fuck it!

//Syntium