Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: Sad

I shouldn’t be like this, not this much. Change is good. At least in the state I am in things, I guess, could only change for the better.
So why do I keep fighting it? The simple answer is that it will disrupt my circles too much. The circles I have trodden in for the past five years, they will not be disturbed so easily. Not without a fight it seems. Or fight… A huge, epic, internal battle, more like.

Is it age? Does it get worse with age? This thing with change? Maybe my memory fails me but I can’t remember that it has been this hard in the past, to start something new.

Why can’t I evolve in my circles?
(Because you are stuck in them, stupid. You have to venture into unknown lands if you want things to happen.)
What if I don’t want anything to happen?
(That’s just the scared part of you talking, don’t you see that?)
It feels like I have taken on too much.
(Like what?)
Well, there’s the writing class…
(Try look at the positive side of it. You’ll get some constructive criticism on your script).
But..
(..And then you’ll take it from there! Maybe she gives good advice, you know she’s a wont reader at least. You’ll maybe apply her advice on your writing. Try and see the positive sides for once dammit!)
And the christenings?
(Well, you’ve already decided to only go to you nephew’s so what’s the problem?)
My cousin might miss me?
(I hardly think he’ll know if your there or not).
And then there’s going to the gym thing..
(I thought you had decided to lose weight?)
I did, but it so hard to get there.. I just goes so slow, to lose weight.
(If you want to lose weight then the only way is to get off your butt and do it! You won’t lose it by sitting by the computer, that’s for sure! And you know you need it, you know your arms and shoulders, they hurt, right?)
Right.
(That is a message from you body to get you act together and go to the gym!)
(What else do you have to complain about?)
Well..
(Out with it).
There’s these fan fics hanging over me too. I really want to finish Only an ocean away, and The Path to Immortality. But when am I going to find the time for that if I start school?
(IF you start school, nothing is written in stone).
No, but pretty much..
(Then you’ll grow with that, learn to handle the stress as time goes by. You’re going to have to and then find the time when it feels right to write).
But when am I going to get all the time for myself, to recharge the batteries, so to speak.
(You’ve been on recharge for several years! It’s time you did something with all that energy you’ve got charged up. And you’ll find the time to sit by your dear computer, and that time will mean more and be more precious. But don’t try and fool me that you haven’t been yearning for something else to do during the days?)
Well I guess, but that’s when it was just thoughts, and not really within reach.
(But you remember how you felt then, right? How your whole body felt restless, aching for something to do, your mind to be stimulated. Use that feeling on Wednesday! And by all means, let go of your fears!)
Thanks, I guess this was the pep talk I needed.
(We really should have these little chats more often, you need to hear the truth from yourself every once in a while).
Heh, yeah..

//Syntium

Current mood: Schleepy

Yeah, I know, changed the theme again, but this one I might stick with for a while. Of course, ‘a while’ is very relative. ;)

Summer’s approaching its end. I don’t know how I feel about that. I was partly looking forward to the summer this year. But one part wasn’t, I guess. That’s why it has been feeling so weird. Of course there were things that contributed to this weird feeling, but I won’t go any deeper into that now.

I’m definitely in need of something new. But what? Yes, school, but am I ready for that? The studying and so on? I’ve been trying to learn HTML and how to build your own wordpress theme and stuff like that, by my self. But all the reading makes me very, very tired, and I don’t need to get anymore tired than I already am. Perhaps.. Perhaps one subject won’t be that hard. But if I have to quit because I can’t do it, then I will fail again. Guess I’m scared of that, because that wouldn’t be good for my self esteem (or more like lack thereof). Maybe.. It would be fun this time? (School fun?) I don’t know.

//Syntium

Current mood: Dispirited     

This summer has been.. Weird. It feels like I’ve completely lost my inner balance sort of. Hard to describe. It’s as if my soul has been torn in two, and that I am stuck in the middle of myself. Not a very comfortable feeling. Don’t know why I feel this way, maybe because it’s well, summer. I haven’t felt strong enough to do anything, like make preparations for my possible school attendance. And that feels like disappointment to myself. I had decided to do it but somehow.. Well, it didn’t happen. But there’s still time I guess.

There’s so many things I should do that I don’t. Because I’m stuck (well, almost) by my computer doing.. Nothing really. I should be out photographing or something. Something! Meeting people, experience things, not just live my life through fantasies in my head.
But I lack the energy, I lack the strength to pull myself out of this treadmill that I’ve gotten stuck in. I’m in need  of a serious pep talk.

//Syntium

Current mood: Frustrated

I can’t seem to get the dream blog to work again. Don’t know what to do with it and no one seems willing to answer me in the forums. That just sucks big time.

Well, anyway, I’ve added a widget that informs you the Very important information of what kind of music I’m listening to. ^_^

On another note (no pun intended), I have ‘discovered’ that there’s hardly a thing in my apartment that doesn’t come from Ikea. It’s sad really. I mean, it is good looking stuff on the surface, but it really doesn’t go any deeper than the surface. It feels impersonal somehow. But maybe it’s because after a while you don’t ‘notice’ the stuff when it ‘s not new anymore.
Anyway, it’s cheap  and it was close so.. And I am a shallow person, I always go by the surface, so I really have no clue what I am complaining about ;)

So about those memoirs of mine.. On one hand I really want to write them, like Now (and I have written quite a lot already) but on the other hand it feels like I might be to young. The journey is not over. I mean it could still go downhill from here, and then I’ll get new experiences, that could be good to have in the book also. Not that I am waiting for feeling shit again so that I can write about it. No, as I am writing this, it feels like now is the time. That I should really get my act together and finish this book.
But it feels like I’m going in the wrong direction. I once took this writing class, and I’m thinking about contacting the teacher I had then and maybe she could read it for some constructive criticism. Or at least give me a few pointers. It’s such a vast subject. And I don’t know if I’m writing ‘too’ much about something, and then to little about something else. Like I said, it’s a vast subject and I don’t want to read the book a few years from now and feel like I’ve missed out on some important detail. Perhaps I should read some autobiographies.

Now I am hungry, and off to make me some dinner.

//Syntium