Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: Sad

I shouldn’t be like this, not this much. Change is good. At least in the state I am in things, I guess, could only change for the better.
So why do I keep fighting it? The simple answer is that it will disrupt my circles too much. The circles I have trodden in for the past five years, they will not be disturbed so easily. Not without a fight it seems. Or fight… A huge, epic, internal battle, more like.

Is it age? Does it get worse with age? This thing with change? Maybe my memory fails me but I can’t remember that it has been this hard in the past, to start something new.

Why can’t I evolve in my circles?
(Because you are stuck in them, stupid. You have to venture into unknown lands if you want things to happen.)
What if I don’t want anything to happen?
(That’s just the scared part of you talking, don’t you see that?)
It feels like I have taken on too much.
(Like what?)
Well, there’s the writing class…
(Try look at the positive side of it. You’ll get some constructive criticism on your script).
But..
(..And then you’ll take it from there! Maybe she gives good advice, you know she’s a wont reader at least. You’ll maybe apply her advice on your writing. Try and see the positive sides for once dammit!)
And the christenings?
(Well, you’ve already decided to only go to you nephew’s so what’s the problem?)
My cousin might miss me?
(I hardly think he’ll know if your there or not).
And then there’s going to the gym thing..
(I thought you had decided to lose weight?)
I did, but it so hard to get there.. I just goes so slow, to lose weight.
(If you want to lose weight then the only way is to get off your butt and do it! You won’t lose it by sitting by the computer, that’s for sure! And you know you need it, you know your arms and shoulders, they hurt, right?)
Right.
(That is a message from you body to get you act together and go to the gym!)
(What else do you have to complain about?)
Well..
(Out with it).
There’s these fan fics hanging over me too. I really want to finish Only an ocean away, and The Path to Immortality. But when am I going to find the time for that if I start school?
(IF you start school, nothing is written in stone).
No, but pretty much..
(Then you’ll grow with that, learn to handle the stress as time goes by. You’re going to have to and then find the time when it feels right to write).
But when am I going to get all the time for myself, to recharge the batteries, so to speak.
(You’ve been on recharge for several years! It’s time you did something with all that energy you’ve got charged up. And you’ll find the time to sit by your dear computer, and that time will mean more and be more precious. But don’t try and fool me that you haven’t been yearning for something else to do during the days?)
Well I guess, but that’s when it was just thoughts, and not really within reach.
(But you remember how you felt then, right? How your whole body felt restless, aching for something to do, your mind to be stimulated. Use that feeling on Wednesday! And by all means, let go of your fears!)
Thanks, I guess this was the pep talk I needed.
(We really should have these little chats more often, you need to hear the truth from yourself every once in a while).
Heh, yeah..

//Syntium