Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: -

I saw this oh so cute and so beautiful cat in an ad. I got really psyched as it seemed to be the perfect cat for me. It was a Ragdoll, and hence kind of expensive. And then there’s all things you need to buy for the cat (stuff like I don’t know the English word for ;)
But anyway, after I thought about it, long and hard, I decided that I just can’t afford a cat right now. And even if I maybe can afford to buy the stuff needed for the cat (and the cat itself) there are running expenses like food and kitty litter and insurance. So, no cat. Which sucks hard!

Maybe I should do what everyone says I should do, to put myself first, do things for myself. (I don’t really know why a cat would exclude me doing things for myself, but they tell me it would) so I am going back to school soon. Which is a little bit scary, I admit that, but maybe it won’t be that hard. Had a dream (yeah I know this is not the dream blog ^^) about me being back to my old school where I met my soul mate. And I was studying Swedish, and I was way behind with writing assignments, so I tried to get the teacher to tell me exactly what it was I had to do. But she kept avoiding and eluding me. It was just a short sequence.

So.. Now that I am going to ‘commit’ myself to myself, I have decided to do a kind of surgery to lose weight. A gastric bypass or something like that. I have started with taking walks around the block twice a day, and I like it. Ilike getting out a little and away from the computer, but around the block is just about what I can handle before my back and my legs are killing me. So, on the other hand it feels actually very silly to think that I will lose 60+ kilos just by taking walks around the block. I’ll tell it to my doctor and we’ll see what happens.

It’s not a matter of vanity. Except the fact that I can hardly walk without crying of pain, my mom has diabetes (and I really do Not want that) and both she and my grandmother has high blood pressure and heart problems. And there’s obesity in the family. So it’s really a health issue now. And I’m not taking this as ‘the easy way out’. Both my mom and my brother has done it ( but for mom it failed, and my brother went through it twice) so I know what it’s about. Not that you can ever be prepared for something like that. But I’ve thought it through many times and I want to do this. So keep your fingers crossed.

//Syntium

Current mood: Frustrated

Well, that and bored. I’m so bored I threw this picture together just to show y’all how bored I am. So, now that that is done, I have no effing clue what to write. Nothing has changed since my last entry, so I have nothing new to tell. I just wish I had something.

.. ‘Someday it’ll be Christmas eve’
- Old Hamsterism -

What is an Hamsterism you say? Well I’ll explain it to you. Many, many (not that many) years ago, when yours truly where chatting and surfing the internetz for the first time, with more or less successful nick names like Dizzy (because I felt like that when chatting the first time) and Tvättbjörnen (it means the racoon, because I have a thing for racoons, they are so cool and cute). But none felt really comfortable. Then it dawned upon me. My nick name would be Hamster! Obviously because I had a hamster, named Dylan. So in honor of him I started to call myself Hamster different communities and so on. So a Hamsterism is a saying by me, or you could also say Tao according to Hamster. That particular saying I used now means that, you may feel stuck in a rut now, but time goes by anyway and suddenly, before you know it, it’s Christmas eve and lots of Christmas music and candle lights and food and candy.. Well, you get the picture. ^_^

So how did Syntium emerge? After a few years, I grew bored with Hamster. So I decided to change my screen name. As I have fallen in love with the old tv-show SeaQuest (or one particular character maybe, o^_^o) i decided to take a name from that show. In the show, in one episode they use some kind of liquid called syntium or ‘blue moon’ for their warheads. Together with liquid nitrogen it causes an ginormous explosion. Anyway, I just thought it sounded cool, and a bit.. Hmm, neutral so to speak, or maybe the word is androgynous. I like the name, it sort of fits me. But I have a new nick name up my sleeve, should I ever be forced to change it. Not that I could think of a reason why I should change it, it just feels good to have options :)

Well, lookie at that. For someone not having anything to write about 384 words is not half bad! ^^

//Syntium

Part 2 11:55

No WYSIWYG whatsoever.. The picture should be to the right, so everyone, just imagine it being to the right. It doesn’t seem like I can fix it :C

//Syntium

Current mood: Agog

So, I’m trying to write these memoirs of mine. And I’m waiting for my medical record to arrive, so that I can give the specifics on certain things. It’s hard to describe fuzzy pictures in your head or remember what I, he or she said. Hence the medical record. I’m hoping that will help me elaborate on the memories I have.

But I’m really excited about the thought of having written my very own book. Guess I’m better at writing than talking sometimes, because one of the reasons I am writing this is that, I want people to understand me better. And maybe, perhaps, if I may be so bold, I hope that it will help people understand others in my situation. Or, schizophrenics, to spell it out bluntly.
Though one of my concerns is that family and friends are going to read this. I’m not sure if it’s healthy for them to read about my suicide attempts, the psychotic side of me. But on the other hand, I can’t take responsibility for them. And it wouldn’t be fair to urge someone to buy the book and then not get to read it. Guess I’m just scared that their view of me will change. That they will pity me or something.

Though I am having doubts of my script. If it’s good enough and so on. And of course there’s this impatience of mine. I want the book done Now! Just for the feeling of holding your own book in your hands. It would be awesome!

What else is happening in my little life? Well I think I wrote about the meeting on Monday, where I will apply for a class in Swedish to start with, then I apparently need Religion and Science also. So, I have some studying ahead of me. Guess what I’m most afraid of is, that it will all happen too fast. That I won’t be able to keep up with myself, so to speak.

Well, I’ll stop boring you now. Just one more thing..

I miss you D..

//Syntium

Current mood: Itchy

So.. I have no clue as what to write, but felt like writing something. I get that feeling a lot, wanting to write something (like a blog post) but not really having anything of importance to write about. I guess what I need is a little bit of new water in the little puddle that I’m standing in. Maybe fill it up so that the water at least reaches my ankles so that I can splash a little with my toes.

I called those school people yesterday, and there will be a meeting on Monday. I’ll most likely apply for a class. Yeah.. I will do that. I need some new impressions so that maybe I can write something interesting (?) in this blog.

I’ve written this before somewhere, but I would like a deep sea to swim around in. Play with dolphins, swim with a great blue whale. Explore sunken cities, shipwrecks and treasures. But.. I realize that I’ll never get that sea. But, I’d settle for an inland lake where I swim around with some fish, and be amazed by how the sunlight breaks into shafts. Maybe there are treasures and secrets in that lake too?

This with the lake and fish and so on is both metaphorical and literally. I want to be able to swim again.

//Syntium

Current mood: Discontented

It was my nephew’s christening today. And besides feeling like a hypocrite for even setting foot in a church and taking part in an outdated ceremony, based on fairy tales about an almighty God, I felt.. Well to tell you the truth I got that (nowadays) rare feeling of loneliness. When I saw my sister and her husband and their two children by the altar, I wondered if there’s even a slight possibility that I will meet someone. Spend my life with, perhaps but probably not, but maybe, have children with. It doesn’t feel like it would happen.

I know, I know I’m wallowing in self-pity right now, but this is my blog, I get to do that ;)

I digress.

I wonder if there are people who just wasn’t meant to find love, because it’s a fact not everyone find their One True Love. Or even just Love in some form. And I don’t mean love for family members or friends or pets but the kind a love one has for a girlfriend/boyfriend. I don’t really know how to continue describing this thought or feeling, I guess I wonder (again) if I’d ever find a girl. It doesn’t feel like that at the moment. I’m pretty sure I will spend my life alone, without a partner, someone I can spend my time with (within reasonable limits) and feel like a part of a team, a unit.

Is there anyone out there for me? Or maybe several, as I’m not sure if you actually can spend a lifetime with the same person. Maybe you can, it is a wonderful thought at any rate. But is it for me?

I do not believe so.

//Syntium

Current mood: Contemplative

Change.. As an answer to a question in a previous post (Serious talk with myself), yes, change do get worse with age.
I’m thinking of my childhood, how you longed for starting school, to be more ‘grown up’. It never occurred to you the consequences that came with it. Or the fear for anything that might happen. Fear of failure or whatever. You just saw the fun and positive sides of everything new. But in my case, it didn’t turn out to be that positive. I hated school, from the very beginning. And that led to bad experiences, low self esteem, more tries to study (after elementary school) that crashed and burned and that added to the low self esteem even more. So I guess it’s no wonder that I feel afraid now about starting school again.

I’m not sure that I can make it. School I mean. I don’t know quite what to expect, from school or myself. What I can do. Sure, I felt like shit in the past but maybe that wasn’t the reason for me failing classes. It probably was a big part but was it everything? I don’t know.

And I guess what scares me the most is that I don’t know what to expect from myself. I think that that’s what’s holding me back. I feel a lot better now, but.. Hmm, I guess my self esteem could be better.
(Ok, now I’m cutting in).
I figured as much..
(Don’t get smart with me. I just wanted to say that if you go to school and really make an effort this time, you will make it and with that your self esteem will grow. You know, deep, deep down that you CAN make it).
I suppose but.. It’s just so damn hard to take the step over the threshold. I’m afraid that I’ll stumble.
(Then you’ll get back up again)
Is it really that easy?
(It is that easy. Ok, it might be a little tough to fall but as said, you’ll get back up with one more experience to put in your backpack)
Or a scar for life..
(Don’t be so pessimistic! But yeah, I know that you have to get it all off your chest before you are ready to take the step. But you are ready now, aren’t you?)
I’m toying with the idea, yeah.
(Good! I really think you should apply for a course. It can’t hurt)
Technically it can.. If I crash and burn.
(Cheesus, doesn’t Anything I say get through your thick skull?!)
Sorry, yeah, it does. It just need to let go of all of my fears. And that ain’t easy.
(Of course it isn’t. But I think you’re doing a pretty good job).
Why, thank you!
(I’ll leave you be now)

Ah, crap.. Guess I’ve got a phone call to make tomorrow.. Or sending an e-mail. We’ll se. I’ll get in touch with them school people one way or another.

And just for the record, I still ADORE my own WordPress theme!!

//Syntium

Current mood: Confused

I guess you every once in a while have to ask yourself ‘What the fuck am I doing?’
And I’m trying to ask myself that very question now, but I fail to come up with an answer.
The things that concerns me most right now are:

1. Should I go to school or not?
2. What the hell was I thinking, trying to write a book?

With number 1, I probably need one of those pep talks with myself. Not that I can see how it would work, but it’s worth a shot. But I won’t have that pep talk right now, maybe I’ll write a part 2 of this post or it will be another post.

Anyways.. I got back my script from my old writing class teacher. She gave some good feedback, she thought it interesting, yay =D. But it needs a lot of work, I have repeated some words and phrases, and there are a lot of unnecessary words. It’s funny how you don’t think about it, but when pointed out to you it becomes so obvious. And I need to elaborate on some stuff. That I knew, the trouble is that I don’t know exactly how. It has to be perfect if I’m going to release it as a book, I can’t settle for anything less this time! But I guess, I just have to take it one step at a time. One part at a time and really focus on what I want to tell. Or something like that.

So, I’m going to work on my script now!

//Syntium

Current mood: Tired as hell

Yeah, I’m pretty beat, woke up at 6 A.M this morning despite being so tired yesterday night. Don’t know how I’ll get through the day without sleeping some, but I can’t do that, I have an important meeting today.
I’m going to decide whether I should go to school or not. Or maybe not decide, I’ll probably end up there in one way or another, but rather gather the courage to start school again.
‘Maybe I’m just too old to be a student’ or something.

Now I have gotten a little taste of what it would be like to design websites with making my own and my own blog theme, and I don’t know.. Maybe it would be fun. Creative at least, and I need that. Some boring 9 to 5 job wouldn’t suit me at all, I really need something that I would be comfortable doing and not something that would easily bore me.

Anyways.. I apologize for not writing more often in the dream blog. It’s just that, as of late, (or more like a couple of months) dreams haven’t been that vivid or followed a ‘theme’ so to say, but just been tiny remnants of memories of dreams. But I guess (I hope) that this run in cycles, and that I will be getting another dream period again.

What else? Well, I’m open to suggestions as to what to add to the site. Drop me a line in the guestbook!

//Syntium

14:55 Part 2: What kind of world are we living in?

Current mood: Pissed off

You shouldn’t listen to the news of newspapers, tv, etc. It only makes you depressed.
And a no means fucking NO! I read on the online Swedish Metro that a woman had been raped. She had said no to the man two times, and then went to bed in a bra and panties which, apparently, led the man to believe that she had changed her mind. And the fact that he had to force her legs apart wasn’t a clue for him. Neither the fact that she lay still, staring up in the ceiling. But the thing is.. The thing is that this man, the rapist, did not get convicted!! Apparently the word no has little value to some people..

And I saw on the same mentioned above online magazine, that, someone had been tortured and had been forced to eating his/hers own ear! (I only read the headline, couldn’t bear to read more).

It’s like.. What kind of world are we living in? Was it like this 200-300 years ago? Probably, maybe worse in some cases where women were treated like cattle. But I think that it isn’t the humans that have changed, it must be the massive amount of information that we daily have to digest. They’re telling us about everything! Every little gory detail is made into some kind of ‘sensation journalism’ (word for word translation). I don’t need to know that a person had to eat his own ear, it’s enough to say that he had been tortured.

It’s probably because of the different channels of media, that they feel like they have to stick out from the crowd with big headlines (which often has nothing to do with the actual article, not very much at least). But who’s picking up the tab? The ordinary people they exploit.

//Syntium

Current mood: Extatic!

I’ve finally got the page I want, all that’s left now is some fine tuning. I’ve been working my ass off with this tutorial for almost two days straight, and finally, you can see the result. My very own WordPress theme!
I know it’s not very advanced and so on, but it isn’t supposed to be either.

I feel both relieved and a little.. Empty, to tell you the truth. When I finally got my act together to finish the theme, it went so fast. What do I do now? I really have no clue what to put up on my web site. I’ll have to think about that one.

//Still Proud Syntium

Current mood: Newly awakened

I should have written this yesterday, but then I was a busy bee with trying to learn how to build your own wordpress theme. And I may very well get there some day, it doesn’t seem totally impossible.

As you may have noticed, there’s a slight change in my ‘front page’, syntium.nu :)
The one responsible for the spellitout-script is One of Four and I just thought he needed some praise in my blog for helping me with the site and making it look the way I want to. So, <praise>One of Four</praise> =D

That’s it for this blog post (it’s 3 A.M I should really be sleeping but..)  stay tuned, more will come!

//Proud Syntium