As in, I can’t decide where to put the next tattoo. But I do have decided on not to cover up my dove. It was the first tattoo I ever did and I was eighteen years old (the legal age of majority in Sweden) thus free to do as I pleased (well, almost). I had thought about getting a tattoo for years, and I had this sign that were supposed to stand for the element of water in the kabbalah faith (?). I had found it in a book, but I’ve never found it elsewhere. Anyway, I copied it and the sign, and went to the one who was going to do the tattoo. He stated that it was too small and that he had no copy machine to make it bigger. (Stupid me should’ve realized that he wasn’t any good). Anyway, I had toyed with the idea of getting a dove on my ankle as a second tattoo (the other sign was to be on my upper right arm) and I really wanted a tattoo as a statement of my indepdence, so it happened to be a dove instead. And as said, it was not very well done (I could post a bad picture of it maybe) but still, it is my first one and I’ve only regretted it because it was kind of boring and impersonal with a dove.
A dolphin ended up on my right upper arm instead, this one I am pleased with, though it might be kind of impersonal too. But when you think about it, they’re not. I mean they are personal to me. The dove means freedom, the dolphin stands for water and that is ‘my’ element it feels. Plus I like dolphins ^^. And the third one is a black cat on my lower left arm, because I adore cats.
Tattoos number four and five was the paw tattoos for my cats. Or it is cat now but then I still had Nicholas.
But the question remains.. Where do I put the Pisces-sign? Do I have to get tattoed now? No not really, but when I get an idea in my head I want to do it immediately. But I should save some money first.
Alrighty then.. Let’s se if I can fit in the tattoo pics in this post. The pictures aren’t that good, but it was the best I could do.
It’s really a drug. I just can’t stop. I’ll have to stop eventually I guess. If I don’t put one one the back, that is.
Dammit, I want to gett ‘tooed like NOW! =D
I’m feeling like.. Getting another tattoo. Or, rather two. One is, I want to do a Pisces-sign in the back of my neck, and now I’m also thinking of tattoing my birthyear, -81, on my left upper arm like in a basketball jersey style kind of number. It would be cool. But, alas, I’m poor, so that’ll have to wait. And I just got the idea of the birthyear, so maybe I should think about it some more so it’s not impulsive.. Or something.
I’ve bought origamipaper. Like lots. Like 400 sheets. Which I probably need to practise if I want to get that crane right. And I’m getting something similar to a crane, but I, like I’ve said before, suck at folding straight. So they end up looking kind of.. Smashed.
Anyway, I’m posting a funny picture of a tattoo I found =)
Maybe if I took the coins I’ve collected.. But which one would I do? The Pisces sign or the other? Hmm.. Well, I’ll think about that one.
//Syntium
18:03 Part 2: Thoughts of tattoos
Current mood: Thoughtful
It just hit me, if I do a tattoo in the back of my neck, I won’t be able to see it myself. Damn, I’m running out of places to get tattoos on. I want them where I can see them. Maybe I can do a cover up on my first tattoo? But that doesn’t seen right either, because it was my first and I don’t really regret it, it was just a boring motif (a dove) and it wasn’t very well done either so.. I really don’t know how I would cover it either. Maybe the Pisces-sign and a star in the color of the Pisces sign (excuse me while I google..)
Done! Apparently, the color connected with Pisces is turquoise or soft sea-green or blue-green (whatever the difference is), so if I cover up the dove with a star in turquoise and the Pisces-sign in the middle in black and with black borders around the star.. Hmm, shame about the dove though. Or maybe on the other side of the ankle?
Maybe I could check with the tattoo artist first if it’s possible to do a cover up. Hmm. Can’t decide. But, well, there’s time to think about it.
This is mainly an entry to get my eyes off of those nightmares posts. That dream kind of ruined my weekend. I thought a lot back and forth about, but I’m trying to let it go now.
Not that I really know what to write. Had some homework, to analyze and compare two short stories about anorexia and how they were described in the different stories. I didn’t really know how to analyze them, they seemed so different from each other but also very alike. I guess I have to ask the teacher on what questions to ask yourself when you read.
I’m buying a stereo to have in my bedroom so that I can listen to music before I go to sleep. I used to use my mp3-players, but it’s darn uncomfortable with earplugs and cords and then they need to be recharged every day almost.
It’s not a very expensive stereo. I wanted a flashier thing, but when I thought about it, it didn’t say if it could play CD-R/RW’s as the more cheaper stereo did. The text about it just seemed to boast about how easy it was to place (because it was so thin and you could hang it on the wall and stuff). But I am going for the cheaper one.
It’s nice and soothing to listen to music when you’re about to sleep.
So, what else? I still, after all these months, miss Nicholas. It would have been nice to see him, if he remembers me and if so, how he would react.
But maybe I should focus on my other cat instead, the one I got left, though I don’t get to see him that often because he lives with my parents. Maybe I should visit him more.
It was such a perfectly clear image of my friend when I looked through that window. Not fuzzy or otherwise ‘dream-screwed-up’. But it makes me think. Like, I wonder where she is now. If there’s some significance in that special image when we locked eyes. That she didn’t smile and the weather was cloudy and grey. If it means something, if it was some sort of message from her?
And my confusion when she suddenly disappeared. And the feeling of that it wasn’t really her when she came in, but it was before, through the window? I am confused to say the least. But I do think that window image means something. I just hope it’s not anything bad..
I have just awoken from two.. I would like to call them nightmares. In the first one I had apparantly been drinking alcohol and it affected me so that I couldn’t stand up correctly, I kept falling on the floor, though I had only drunk a little. My limbs were shaking and I had no control over my body. It was a very uncomfortable feeling.
And then the other dream started (or they were sort of intertwined) and I was suddenly best friends with the girls from the L word and we were at some kind of restaurant, or it was at first. Then, by a new girl that came to sit with us, the room changed and I got the feeling that it was some kind of psychiatric ward or health and rehabilitation clinic. Anyway, this new girl suddenly looked through the window and said ‘There is C!’ (C is a friend of mine that took her own life this past summer.) So I got up too, with a lot of strange thoughts in my head. I wasn’t surprised she was there if it were some kind of psychiatric ward, but at the same time the thought of her being dead stirred in the back of my mind. But I ran up to the window (I think she was outside smoking) and it was her! It was such a clear and perfect image of her. She looked me straight in the eye, and I once again thought how dark and beautiful her eyes were. But she didn’t smile at me, and it seemed as she was shivering of cold. The weather outside was cloudy and grey. I moved a little to get a better view of her on the other half of the window, but then she was gone. Just like that. So I ran up to the door at the other end of the room and she came in and we hugged tightly and I remember thinking ‘Is she back or is she going?’ or something like that. I held her face in my hands, and she seemed happy to see me, but it didn’t quite look like her. Then I noticed she had handcuffs on but they weren’t locked and it was a long chain so she was able to give me another hug. I asked (I think) how she was doing, and she said something like ‘It’s so easy to lie to people’ meaning she didn’t do as good as she let on. And then I don’t remember anymore. I think she just dissolved. And I woke up with so many things I wanted to tell her, but realized she was dead and that was so saddening.
There’s a lot more to write about this, but now I am tired again and will go back to bed. Maybe I’ll write later.
I guess there’s been some folks who’ve been just dyyyying to get a blog entry from me, considering the comment I’ve gotten. ;)
But I’ve been a little reluctant to write this entry. Don’t really know why. I’ve started writing several times but it just wouldn’t come out right. But with that little encouragement in that comment, I feel ready to write (and stop rambling).
‘Let’s get the job done’
So last Monday, I went to see my doctor to see if she would refer me to a surgeon or wherever you get referred to when you want that kind of operation. But she talked to me about the usual stuff like ‘Eat better’, ‘Take fast walks of at least half an hour’, and it felt like she was almost mocking me because I can hardly make it around the block, and like I didn’t already know these things. I do, I’ve heard it a million times from a million different people. Of course she didn’t know that but I kind of pissed me off that she just assumed I hadn’t tried this. But she told me that if she sent a referral now, she would only get it back, because apparently you have to prove that you can lose some weight before you get the surgery.
Which is, in my humble opinion, totally fucked up. If I could lose weight on my own, I would! But there’s just so much weight I have to lose, so there’s no way in hell that I could lose it on my own.
Anyhoo.. She talked to me about this health center that I should go to, and talk with a nurse and they would do tests on me like cholesterol and BMI and stuff. At first she said that I had to go there for a year, but then I said that I couldn’t do that, and she changed her mind to ‘a few months’ which is, when you think about it very relative. I don’t have an appointment to this health center until the 28th of October so another couple of weeks which will go by soo slow.
At first, I was really disappointed that she didn’t refer me further, but now, when I’ve had time to digest the talk and so on, gotten a few tips from my sister-in-law, I feel really.. Determined is probably the right word. To eat right and take walks, ride my bike. And I started yesterday to write down everything I eat, and I mean everything! I feel pepped (is that a word?) up and it finally felt like I could embrace the advice that my sister-in-law gave me. Before, all those things just went right through one ear and out through the other. I didn’t want to listen. But still.. I hope it’s not more than five kg that I have to lose. I’m going to have to work my ass off to do that but, maybe I’m on the right track now. It feels like it.
Oh, and I got a haircut yesterday ^_^
And now I think I’m of to take a walk!
Yesterday, I got the brilliant idea that I should learn how to make a paper crane. You can see the results here. They’re not the most beautiful creations someone’s ever made, but they’re mine anyway. And just so you know, I suck at folding paper, it gets asquint and stuff. But I think I may very well found a new hobby!
Though you should see the amount of paper I wasted before I could even get a grip on a certain fold. It was soo frustrating, and I threw the piece of paper in the paper basket, determined to give up. But yet I couldn’t. Like two seconds later, I was at it again. And then I finally found a youtube video that made me understand that certain folding (and I tried a few (!) tutorials) and then I just suddenly got it.
If you want to make your own crane, here’s the great video I found.
On another note, yesterday it was ‘school’ for the first time. (The first time is really tomorrow). I doesn’t seem half bad. I’m supposed to write a presentation of myself, and I don’t think it’ll be too hard. In fact, the whole course doesn’t seem that difficult. Hopefully it wont take that long to complete, so that I can move on with the other courses.
So, in retrospect, it was a pretty wise decision of me, not to buy that cat. And yet, I run off, buying clothes which I can’t even wear. Well, yet that is. I hope. It is now seven days until I have my doctor’s appointment, and the countdown has begun. I so hope I will get that surgery soon. Not that I would bet on it, the waiting line is probably miles and miles long. Today I went for my usual walk around the block and.. It hurt like hell, I tell ya! I hate wearing shoes!! I can’t walk right in them, I tend to walk on the outside of the foot, which of course makes my ankle hurt. Like hell! I just can’t take it anymore, being overweight. I feel like I’m about to have a mental breakdown.
I mean, if I am overweight, and just about everything hurts when I’m out taking my walks, then you’re not very enthusiastic about taking those walks. Thus, you get trapped in your own body. I feel like I’m heading that way and it scares the shit out of me.
Tomorrow, I’m going to talk to my new teacher. Don’t really know what to say about that, I have suppressed so that I won’t think too much about it. I’ll just go there and do it and come what may. Maybe I’ll write tomorrow, about how it went.
I don’t want to dwell on this fact, that I am overweight, but I think about it everyday. I just wish I could get this GBP done like in month or so. Or maybe after Christmas (don’t want to miss out on the Christmas food, heh ;) No but really soon like.. now! Yeah, I know I am impatient. Oh let it be Monday already! (The 13th).
I’ve started this entry a million times today, it seems. Don’t know why I’m not able to come up with something that make sense or feels worthwhile. So I’ll write some things that may not make sense, I’ll just.. Write. My need for writing something feels as basic as food or air. Yet I often don’t have anything to write about, so I write about not having anything to write about.
October 13th, I have an appointment with my doctor and I will convince her that I need that surgery! I will prevail! ;) I hope it won’t be that hard.
School starts Tuesday. I’m feeling a little bit scared. And annoyed. Because the book you need for the class is very expensive (by my standards) so I have to take from my savings. Not cool.
Speaking of books.. My own book is coming along nicely. But right now there’s a passage that I feel a little reluctant to write. And that is frustrating because I want this book done! Hmm, maybe I should take a look at it. Maybe I can write something.
en’t that good, but it was the best I could do.
