Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: Dunno..

Living in denial can be a pleasant thing. Until you have to face the reality.
I’m facing reality right now, that my beloved oldest friend might be suffering from dementia. There are various signs, but the one that struck me when I got to my parents and went out to see him, he just looked at me, as if he didn’t recognize me. He usually meows (and I imagine that is to say hello) when he sees me. But this time he just stared at me. He did let me pat him,  but not without sniffing my hand first. I’m not sure he purred but I hope so. He purrs very quietly.

When I got back in the house again and told my mom how he had reacted, I just felt empty. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I was as if I hadn’t any emotions at all. I still feel empty, and that makes me feel kind of guilty.

So, I guess there’s no other way to go but forward now. I have often thought about it, when I’ve been feeling down and so on, that someday we will have to say goodbye. And I guess I did that to hurt myself somehow, in the soul. Anyway, I would of course get very sad, but now.. Facing reality, I don’t feel anything. Well, actually it goes up and down, but the past few days I’ve just been feeling empty. Last Monday, I really wanted to get drunk, to forget about everything for a while. I still have that feeling, but not as strong.

It’s just so tragic, he doesn’t deserve this! He deserves to be healthy and live a long, loong life. But I guess 14 is old for a cat. It’s just that he’s been there since like forever it feels. Don’t know if I am ready to let him go.

//Syntium

Current mood: Sad

I think I believe in the eternal soul, be it human, dog, cat or a beetle. I had this very interesting discussion with a cyber friend today about the soul. But, alas, we didn’t come to any conclusions. Just more questions, like if the soul is eternal, exactly what in it passes on (to the next life, a person or heaven or whatever you believe)? Once I went to some psychic who claimed he could “read” my past lives. So he started to tell me about various different persons, and apparently I had been some sort of judge who wasn’t very liked because he wasn’t fair or kind or something. Don’t really remember now, long time ago, but the point is.. If that was my soul what in it has something in common with my soul today? Now, I don’t want to get on a high horse and claim I’m the world’s most perfect person, because I’m not. I’ll just get up on a little pony and say that I do have high ideals, and that you should be kind to others and I try to be a good person.

Then there’s the interesting thought about if my soul would, let’s say in a hundred years from now, decide it wanted to know more about its past lives and go back through hypnosis or whatever and find me here today. What would that person think of me? Would it feel connected somehow to me? Or would it feel like I did with that judge, that that’s not me at all. But if everyone get their own unique soul, where do they come from. Is there a thought behind the creation of a soul or is it just random? Which brings us to the question, why does a soul have to suffer?
Like I said, one question just leads to another.

//Syntium

Current mood: Depressed

I’m at a low point right now. Not an all time low, but still enough to be annoying. I just feel like kicking someones teeth in. Preferably the nurse I am seeing, who’s supposed to be my coach in losing weight. But it feels like all she does is telling me that I’m the only one who can change my lifestyle. Which I know, it’s just that she’s going about it the wrong way. She’s not.. I would like to say encouraging, but that would be unfair. She is in some ways, but in some ways not. I don’t feel like I’m doing this for my own sake. I’m just doing this to prove to her that I can do it, it feels. It’s kind of screwed up..

I’m just sick of my life right now.. I can’t walk barefoot outside, ’cause the weather sucks. I’ve got over 3000 in bills (and the electricity bill will probably come also, just to top it off). And I’m dropping out of school. I just.. Lack motivation to everything now. The days just feels screwed up somehow.

Ah, f..

//Syntium

Current mood: Wanting!

Yes, I want me one of these, a Lego phone. No reason, just because they look cool. You remember the eighties right? When phones looked just about anything but ‘standard’. I rember seeing banana shaped ones, hamburger shaped ones and even one that looked like a golf bag! And yes, it had little golfballs as buttons ^^.

But I don’t have the money.. If I were rich (besides buying apartment and stuff) I would collect weird looking phones like the ones mentioned above.

What else do I want? Let’s see, what do I not want..
I want to get a haircut.
I want another tatto.
I want D to come and visit me.
I want to collect strange looking phones ^_^.

But I am saving up for that tattoo, and if D does not come and visit me then I can probably get a haircut. And I want it short! Like a millimeter or two. Maybe 2 or 3 :o)

//Syntium

Current mood: Longing

This post was inspired by someone else’s blog bost, which you can find here.

Yes, I am longing for spring to come, so that I can walk barefoot again. As in outdoors, that is, of course ;)
I regret that I didn’t ‘stand up for myself’ and continued a little longer into the fall to walk barefoot. But no, I was to afraid of what people might think or say. And that shouldn’t bother me, I mean, I can’t hear what they think. And if they say something, well, then I’ll answer that.

Hopefully, I will be able to start walking barefoot soon next year. Like in March or something. Think I started at the end of april this year and put on shoes again in september.

I truly hate wearing shoes. Because now when I have walked barefoot, I feel how wrong I walk. My feet hurt and simply put it just feels unnatural with shoes. Hmm, maybe I will try to walk a little barefoot anyway? The weather’s pretty decent today so.. Maybe!

//Syntium

Current mood: Happy, relieved and just.. Happy

Things.. Haven’t been that well between D and I lately. Not that we were arguing or anything like that, just.. different kind of wishes. I can’t go into detail.

Anyway, it was pretty bad, and I feared that the day that I would write ‘D and I is no longer’ here had come. There were moments when I really truly believed that. That my best friend, was no longer my best friend. And I thought I felt sort of relieved by it. That I was ‘free’ of something. Or so went the thoughts in my head. But the thing is.. I had this dream last night one of those pain in the ass-dreams where everything seems to be or go wrong. Anyway, I remember that a buss stopped in front of me and I saw all these people get off it, and I thought I hinted D. But then I thought ‘Nah, I’m always thinking that I see him on the town, why should it be him?’ (we live in different cities), it couldn’t be him. But it was! He came at me, smiling, just smiling so honestly and openly and I hesitated to hug him (because of all the things that had been going on between us I think, didn’t really know if he wanted me to or if I still was his best friend). But then I couldn’t contain myself anymore and threw myself in his arms and buried my face against his shoulder and started crying. But he just laughed, and I think I thought to myself ‘Does he really want to be my friend?’ or something. Then the dream ended and I woke up to find an e-mail in my inbox, from D. He stated that he missed me and when I read it I remembered the dream and it brought tears to my eyes. And I realized how much I had missed him too!

It amazes me that.. No matter what, we always, somehow manages to find our way back to eachother. I wish he would come and see me, but at the same time, I think we need just that. Time. Babysteps back to eachother. But still steps. And.. I would also like to say that it feels good to have something in your life that will be there no matter what! Something that lasts, a constant if you will.

I had this song quote on a community page of mine that goes like this: ‘I’m prepared to crack the mirror, just to get the real thing. Give me something that lasts’. It’s a song by the group Dive called Overflow. Anyway, it felt like that, that I was prepared to sacrifice my friendship with my best friend, just to get.. Something else, I guess. But I didn’t have to crack the mirror, I’ve got something that lasts. And that feels.. There’s no word but pure bliss. And even that doesn’t begin to cover what I feel!

I love you, D! And I’ll be there for you!

//Syntium

Current mood: Doubtful

Last Wednesday Proposition 8 was voted through in Californa.
I feel sad for those who live in America. Though the winds of change was blowing with a new President, they obviously didn’t blow strong enough.
I borrowed this picture from Darren Hayes, he had posted it on his myspace-page. Thought it was right on the spot.

And here in Sweden, we are getting a gender neutral Marriage Act, if you can believe the government. I, personally, believe that when I see it. The Christian Democrate party here in Sweden has stomped on the breaks for a legislation about same sex marriage. I don’t see what it is that they don’t get. Isn’t love for everyone? Isn’t marriage between two people who want to celebrate their love for one another and show the world that they belong together mind, body and soul?
Why should gender matter? It’s like we’re second class citizens sometimes. (And yes, I say we, because I’m pretty much gay myself). And they say it’s a choice to be gay? Why, in the love of everything that’s holy would I choose to be a second class citizen? Why would I choose to live with everyday predjudices?

When I told my family that I was bisexual (I think I said bisexual because it felt more ‘safe’) I didn’t think it through that much, I didn’t think they would react a certain way. But when I was forced to tell them (yes, forced, I wasn’t quite ready to shout it out from the roof tops) I remember being at my sister’s and speaking over the phone with my mother and I told her that I was bisexual. And she went completely silent on me. And right that moment.. I thought ‘Shit, what if they resent me for this? Or kick me out of the house.’ I don’t remember now what she said when she finally spoke, but now they seem to be cool about it. They’ve had like 9 years to get used to the idea. My point being, why would I risk being disowned by my family if I could just choose to be with a man instead?  Because its about being true to yourself, and with the risk of sounding cheesy, to your heart.

//Syntium

Current mood: Spiffy

Haha, yeah well, it Is the 50th blog entry so.. What cool thing can we do to make this entry extra special? Hmm.. I could show you the neat Winampskin I’ve got. How’s that for celebration? =D This is a screenshot from my computer and the skin is called ZDL_Gold_Stack_mk-II-REEL_TO_REEL (long name) and it’s made by Mike Zee and you can get it here.
Well I thought it was cool and good looking anyway, so sue me ;)

What else is new? Well, I need a new cell phone. The battery in the one I’ve got is in pretty bad shape (doesn’t last that long) But, alas, I have to wait until January to get a free phone. Though I do have another phone that some salesman tricked me into getting. Mental note: never stop and talk to salesmen. It would cost me 2 grand to get rid of that subscription (or whatever the english word is) That sucks f.. Well, it just sucks. Big time. Maybe I can save the money. But there’s so much to save to, so many holes to fill with money. I hate that I don’t have any money.

I’ll stop whining now.

Well, other than that, I didn’t have much to tell..

//Syntium

Current mood: Hmm

I wonder if the right sidebar feels a little cluttered perhaps? I would like to use the space to the left of the text also, but I’m not sure how to do that. Or maybe that would be too overwhelming, I don’t know.
But anyway, I’ve got a cute racoon avatar at the moment (but I suspect that avatar will change a lot depending on mood.. Maybe).

What else? Well besides tinkering with this avatar plugin thingy.. Not much. But I have taken a walk today. That was well done of me (at least I think so).
Guess that was all I had to say.

//Syntium

Current mood: Creative

I’ve finished my SeaQuest fan fiction Only an ocean away, and have now started a new one. This one focuses on Lucas, I don’t have the whole story planned out, only the beginning, so I won’t be posting it on fanfiction.net until it’s completely done. I hated to leave people hanging between chapters so, I won’t be doing that this time. Though I am a slow writer so I wonder if this story will get done this decade.

I guess I should be writing on my book instead, but.. I don’t know. I guess a real writer isn’t controlled by feelings, but I am it feels, therefor I find it a little hard (!) to write certain things at the moment. I should just write but I can’t. I’m speaking in riddles, and it’s very complicated so I’ll just change the subject.

I’ve decided not to get a tattoo with my birth year. Instead I will either buy a shirt with the number 81 on it or hope I’ll get one for Christmas. I’m not sure about the Pisces-sign though. I mean, it would have to be a pretty big star with if the sign should fit in it and that it doesn’t get too small so you can’t see what it is. The problem is, I don’t know if I want a tattoo that big.

I feel like I’m not getting any better at folding the cranes. It’s like the creases needs to be down to  molecule level straight, and I can’t do that. I guess I’ve gotten a tiny bit better, but not much. It feels it has a lot to do with luck or something.

Anyway.. I went to see this nurse/health guru/coach or whatever she is, but she didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. The constant pointing out that I have to do the work, that I have to decide and so on, makes me feel, well, both pissed off and lonley. Pissed off, because I have already come to that insight myself and don’t need it pointed out like a gazillion times, and lonely because it is all up to me. Everyone around can only be supportive to a certain extent, but it is I that actually have to take the walks, choose healthier food and so on. And it’s not like I don’t already know this, the hard part is to do it! But I will (hopefully) start taking walks again tomorrow (always start on a Monday boys and girls!)

Now I don’t feel creative anymore, as I did when I started this entry. Just cold and empty. I’m just not.. Optimistic anymore. As time has gone by, I’ve started to feel like.. This can’t be fixed. And that makes me so sad. The more I think about it the more obvious it gets, yet there are unfinished business that I don’t know how to handle. Time will tell I guess.
I will stop writing nonsense (to most of you) now.

//Syntium