Lament for Rasmus
Current mood: Sad
There’s a whole lump in my stomach with feelings. I don’t exactly know what it consists of, but a few more differential feelings. Like, of course, sadness. I don’t think I can finally get a grip of you being gone yet. It hasn’t sunk in. It will probably take a few weeks before it does. I mean this is the Breaking of the Fellowship. Our little fellowship, consisting of me, you, Dylan and Dominic. And now neither of you is with me anymore. It’s only been a few hours but I already miss you. And it will probably be even worse when I go back to my parents and you aren’t there.
Pain stabs at my heart now and then. I didn’t want that power, to decide whether you should live or not.
But everyone tells me it was the right decision, and it probably was. Maybe you suffered. But you won’t suffer anymore now.
And may I say that I also feel a little relieved? Not because you’re gone, but because of the way you went. We got a very good veterinarian. She took us to a little room where there were candle lights and dimmed light so it wasn’t this strong, cold, fluorescent light. And when the actual shot came, you purred. When the vet was done you continued to purr for a little while, then you stopped as you became more relaxed.
I don’t know what the reason was for your purring. Maybe you were scared and that was a way of comforting yourself. I thought before ‘If he purrs, then it is the right decision.’ And I hope that that’s why you purred. To tell me that this was ok, this was what you wanted. And you hardly struggled at all so, maybe you knew somehow. Then I got to sit down with you in my arms as you slowly fell asleep for the last time.
I took your little St. Francis-medallion and hung it around my neck, that way, I feel you’re with me in a way. But in another way you’re of course with me in my heart. Always.
I will remember those summer nights when I chased you, wanting for you to come back in the house and sleep in my bed and you just toyed with me because you were to fast for me too catch. I think you had fun then. Or when you laid beside me in my bed while I was writing in my diary. Or when you slept in my bed and I had your paw in my hand and we fell asleep that way. I loved the way you used to purr. And I told you this and sometimes it was as if, you purred because I liked it. Fourteen years is a long time and there are so many memories and I’m glad you got a worthy end. You deserved that. I love you, and miss you!
//Syntium
