Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: Tired (what else is new)

So, B-day tomorrow. A year older and perhaps a little wiser. Not that I care for birthdays much, at least not my own.

My book is nearly done, all it needs is some fine tuning and a cover image. That feels.. Scary. To have your whole life exposed like that. Thinking ‘who has read it and who hasn’t’ maybe. But I think.. -Hope- that I will feel better for it. To stop dwelling on the past and look forward. I got the analogy in my head that it’s kind of a little time machine. That I have gone back in time, picked out the bad parts and brought them back to where I am now to heal them. And me, of course. It’s like, I can finally accept my past, and see how everyone did everything they could to help me. I used to want a ‘scapegoat’, someone to blame for the crappy teens and for a good deal of my crappy twenties. But I don’t need that anymore. It was my life, I went to hell and back several times, and I came out stronger. Hmm, this was good, I might put this in the book ;D

But I guess the scariest part is, that if I don’t sell one copy, I have to pay for all the books myself. I don’t have that kind of money. They print a 100 copies and whatever books that are left after three months, you have to buy yourself. And as said, that is a lot of money, so I hope they sell really well and fast.

And yes, I’m feeling better now, than the previous few posts, mainly because I managed to get out of the Evil Spiral of Dwelling! With a lot of help from my therapist of course. I went to the doctor though, and she didn’t quite know what the lump in my throat was but I’ll do some tests to find out. But she told me not to worry about it so I have tried not to and it has worked surprisingly well.

//Syntium

Current mood: Depressed

‘I’ve been down a lonely street tonight, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know what’s wrong with me’

Still dwelling on thoughts that I probably shouldn’t think. I’m good at that. Dwelling. Probably should have a degree in it by now.
I just wish it would be Tuesday already so that I could get it overwith. And she’ll (my doctor) probably tell me that it’s nothing to worry about. Or she won’t know what it is, and refer me further to someone else who tells me there’s nothing to worry about.

I guess.. That I don’t have any hopes that life will be ok. That I will be ok. That’s why I’m, in a weird, twisted way, is hoping for cancer. It’s very fucked up to wish for cancer, I know. But I can’t help doing it. It’s like.. It would give me a ‘legal’ way out, so to say. I want to live, like really live! But I am not doing that at the moment, it feels, and I have as said no hope for myself that this will ever change.

DAMN!

I know, I know.. Stop dwelling, think happy thoughts, do something!
Think I will make myself a cup of tea.

//Syntium

Current mood: Tired, sleepy, beat, low

‘No self defence great enough to protect us from ourselves’

I guess I’m at a low point again. Nothing seems fun, just stressful. I’m supposed to go to the gym on Saturday at 11 A.M. I don’t really fel up to it, I just feel tired and put things off.
A part of me wonders if it has got something to do with the lump I found, that I feel tired, dizzy and stuff. I have no appetite sometimes, and I had lost 6 cm around my waist the last time I measured. Without really doing anything, it feels. But I’ve probably gained it all again so.. There’s really no need to worry about it until I’ve been to the doctor (the appointment is on Tuesday, so, plenty of time to worry..)

I’m thinking that it might be cancer, always expecting the worst. But, as I wrote in a previous blog post, I don’t think I’m ‘that lucky’.
I don’t know why I think like that. Back in the days of depression, I used wish for cancer, so that I could refuse treatment, and just slip away into eternity. And the thing is; I kind of feel the same way still. My life didn’t exactly turn out the way I planned (but yeah, does any one’s life?). This is as far from what I hoped and dreamed that you could get pretty much. And I guess I don’t have much hope that I could turn it into something even akin to what I was dreaming of. Therefor, I think I might feel relieved if I hear that it’s cancer and the opposite, disappointed, if it turns out to be nothing. But that’s just what I think now. If I did get the answer that it is cancer, I might feel different, I don’t really know. Guess I’ll find out eventually.

I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I don’t feel like I have that much to live for. Well, except for D, because if he need me half as much as I need him then.. I should fight. But I don’t know if I have the energy. Or the strength. Or the desire.. To live. Feels almost like betraying him, just by thinking these thoughts. But like my therapist said; they are only thoughts. And I shouldn’t repeat it over and over. The weird thing in all of this is that I don’t feel depressed. But if I keep thinking like this then I’ll probably head waaay down. I should think happy thoughts instead. But there are none.

About the quote in grey, I thought that when I have a quote that fits and I feel like it, it could work as a kind of subtitle to the post. This particular quote is from the song ‘Coming on strong’ by Dive.

//Syntium

Current mood: ‘If you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal’

Birthday’s closing in. Don’t like it. But I did invite some relatives for dinner. I just don’t feel I have the dinner part under control. How much do I cook? How do I get it all done at the same time. And what the hell am I supposed to cook? (I do have a few ideas, but.. Above mentioned questions remains).

D came up with a great title for my book, much better than the working title I had. I’ve written pretty much all of it now, but still there’s too little text, and I don’t really know what else to write. Which frustrates me. I guess I’ve said everything I want to say, but it is not enough for a whole (albeit short) book. I get flashes of memories and think that I should write that down, but then I don’t find a fitting place to put it. It’s like; everything that needs to be said has been said. And I’m too tangled up in it to see what’s good and what’s not, I can’t see the big picture.

Other than that, I pretty much.. Worry.
I worry about D, and I miss him so much sometimes. Then I worry about my family. And I worry about me. I found this lump near my throat, but that doesn’t worry me, that it should be cancer or something serious. I worry because I think: ‘I’m not that lucky’. I’m taking my meds now, but I guess that doesn’t make you immune to feeling low.

And there’s this losing weight thing.. Everyone tells me that they believe I can do it, that it’s just five kilos. Well, it’s good that they believe, because I don’t. I don’t think I can do it. Even if I should do all the things right, by the book, exercise eat regularly and healthy, I don’t think I could lose 1 kilo even. And I guess I’m afraid that if I Really tried, like poured my heart and soul into it, and nothing would happen, then I would feel like there’s no hope for me. And that is probably one of the worst feelings you can get.

//Syntium

Current mood: Dunno

Went to see my health coach last Tuesday, and I had actually lost 6 cm around my waist! So I guess I’ve lost some weight after all. Feels rather good, and a little inspiring, well, sometimes anyway. Sometimes it’s kind of like that I just want to give up. Or, not give up but just not make all the efforts, like eating regularly and taking walks. But I am going back to the gym soon, and that feels.. Good. It’s like D said, ‘There’s no excuses anymore’. And I think he’s right. I mean, if I want to wear all the now-too-small t-shirts I’ve bought (and I do), then there really are no excuses.

21 days to my next birthday. Feels.. Not quite good. To get older, I mean. Probably because I’m not really satisfied with what I’ve accomplished so far. Which is pretty much nothing. I have no driver’s licence, I’ve had no job, no lasting relationship. I’m not feeling sorry for myself (at least not at this moment ;), it’s just that I feel stuck, not getting anywhere. But that’s not entirely true either, right now I try to focus on losing weight, and so far it’s payed off a little so.. I’m sure I will continue with that. Or at least I hope so. And then maybe one thing will lead to another.

But sometimes I wonder.. I am really overweight, but sometimes I wonder if losing that weight would magically solve everything (except for health issues). Would I feel better on the inside? Would I emanate a different kind of energy, like maybe self confidence? Sometimes I don’t think I will change that much. I mean I’ll still be me, with the every day difficulties I struggle with having schizophrenia. Like blackouts when coming to small talk or stuff like that. Or finding it hard to concentrate on someone. Sometimes it really hard to concentrate when some one’s speaking, my eyes start to wander, or I get the feeling of being restless and fidgety, which I guess can lead to that the other person might think that I find them boring or something. Or, I really don’t know what they think, but that’s just my best guess. And then there’s the thing that I have a hard time with eye contact. It’s a very powerful feeling looking into someones eyes, like as if you’re giving away a piece of you soul. The funny thing is, the one I feel this the strongest with, is D. And yet it is soothing to look into his eyes. I have tried to ‘practise’ making eye contact, but I just suck at it. Or if there’s someone you really want eye contact with, like drown in their eyes, and then they turn away, you feel like you’ve been rejected. Well, a part of me does. How did I get into eye contact? Don’t know, I’m just writing away, pretty much.

What I wish for, with losing weight (health aspects aside) is that I will get more energy to do stuff. Like keep this place clean, and do stuff without feeling so exhausted afterwards. And maybe the energy to tear myself away from the computer from time to time. I’m an internet addict, but I wish I wasn’t that much of an addict so that maybe I could get a cat. It’s not just about time of course, it’s about money as well. But that’s one thing. And, as mentioned earlier, I want to be able to wear those t-shirts. Just be able to move easier, and the feeling of not taking up two seats at the bus. I guess that’s what’s motivates me.

I have toyed with the idea of moving. To be honest I’ve been toying with the idea of moving closer to D. I just miss him so much sometimes and we’re so far apart. It feels frustrating and unfair somehow. I miss you so much D. As I said earlier, if I could, I would beam strength to you and heal you. Even if it would exhaust me. I’m so lucky to have a friend like you.

//Syntium