Living on a prayer
Current mood: Dunno
Went to see my health coach last Tuesday, and I had actually lost 6 cm around my waist! So I guess I’ve lost some weight after all. Feels rather good, and a little inspiring, well, sometimes anyway. Sometimes it’s kind of like that I just want to give up. Or, not give up but just not make all the efforts, like eating regularly and taking walks. But I am going back to the gym soon, and that feels.. Good. It’s like D said, ‘There’s no excuses anymore’. And I think he’s right. I mean, if I want to wear all the now-too-small t-shirts I’ve bought (and I do), then there really are no excuses.
21 days to my next birthday. Feels.. Not quite good. To get older, I mean. Probably because I’m not really satisfied with what I’ve accomplished so far. Which is pretty much nothing. I have no driver’s licence, I’ve had no job, no lasting relationship. I’m not feeling sorry for myself (at least not at this moment ;), it’s just that I feel stuck, not getting anywhere. But that’s not entirely true either, right now I try to focus on losing weight, and so far it’s payed off a little so.. I’m sure I will continue with that. Or at least I hope so. And then maybe one thing will lead to another.
But sometimes I wonder.. I am really overweight, but sometimes I wonder if losing that weight would magically solve everything (except for health issues). Would I feel better on the inside? Would I emanate a different kind of energy, like maybe self confidence? Sometimes I don’t think I will change that much. I mean I’ll still be me, with the every day difficulties I struggle with having schizophrenia. Like blackouts when coming to small talk or stuff like that. Or finding it hard to concentrate on someone. Sometimes it really hard to concentrate when some one’s speaking, my eyes start to wander, or I get the feeling of being restless and fidgety, which I guess can lead to that the other person might think that I find them boring or something. Or, I really don’t know what they think, but that’s just my best guess. And then there’s the thing that I have a hard time with eye contact. It’s a very powerful feeling looking into someones eyes, like as if you’re giving away a piece of you soul. The funny thing is, the one I feel this the strongest with, is D. And yet it is soothing to look into his eyes. I have tried to ‘practise’ making eye contact, but I just suck at it. Or if there’s someone you really want eye contact with, like drown in their eyes, and then they turn away, you feel like you’ve been rejected. Well, a part of me does. How did I get into eye contact? Don’t know, I’m just writing away, pretty much.
What I wish for, with losing weight (health aspects aside) is that I will get more energy to do stuff. Like keep this place clean, and do stuff without feeling so exhausted afterwards. And maybe the energy to tear myself away from the computer from time to time. I’m an internet addict, but I wish I wasn’t that much of an addict so that maybe I could get a cat. It’s not just about time of course, it’s about money as well. But that’s one thing. And, as mentioned earlier, I want to be able to wear those t-shirts. Just be able to move easier, and the feeling of not taking up two seats at the bus. I guess that’s what’s motivates me.
I have toyed with the idea of moving. To be honest I’ve been toying with the idea of moving closer to D. I just miss him so much sometimes and we’re so far apart. It feels frustrating and unfair somehow. I miss you so much D. As I said earlier, if I could, I would beam strength to you and heal you. Even if it would exhaust me. I’m so lucky to have a friend like you.
//Syntium
