Sustenance
Current mood: Tired, sleepy, beat, low
‘No self defence great enough to protect us from ourselves’
I guess I’m at a low point again. Nothing seems fun, just stressful. I’m supposed to go to the gym on Saturday at 11 A.M. I don’t really fel up to it, I just feel tired and put things off.
A part of me wonders if it has got something to do with the lump I found, that I feel tired, dizzy and stuff. I have no appetite sometimes, and I had lost 6 cm around my waist the last time I measured. Without really doing anything, it feels. But I’ve probably gained it all again so.. There’s really no need to worry about it until I’ve been to the doctor (the appointment is on Tuesday, so, plenty of time to worry..)
I’m thinking that it might be cancer, always expecting the worst. But, as I wrote in a previous blog post, I don’t think I’m ‘that lucky’.
I don’t know why I think like that. Back in the days of depression, I used wish for cancer, so that I could refuse treatment, and just slip away into eternity. And the thing is; I kind of feel the same way still. My life didn’t exactly turn out the way I planned (but yeah, does any one’s life?). This is as far from what I hoped and dreamed that you could get pretty much. And I guess I don’t have much hope that I could turn it into something even akin to what I was dreaming of. Therefor, I think I might feel relieved if I hear that it’s cancer and the opposite, disappointed, if it turns out to be nothing. But that’s just what I think now. If I did get the answer that it is cancer, I might feel different, I don’t really know. Guess I’ll find out eventually.
I guess what I’m trying to say is.. I don’t feel like I have that much to live for. Well, except for D, because if he need me half as much as I need him then.. I should fight. But I don’t know if I have the energy. Or the strength. Or the desire.. To live. Feels almost like betraying him, just by thinking these thoughts. But like my therapist said; they are only thoughts. And I shouldn’t repeat it over and over. The weird thing in all of this is that I don’t feel depressed. But if I keep thinking like this then I’ll probably head waaay down. I should think happy thoughts instead. But there are none.
About the quote in grey, I thought that when I have a quote that fits and I feel like it, it could work as a kind of subtitle to the post. This particular quote is from the song ‘Coming on strong’ by Dive.
//Syntium
