Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: Sick

Yes, I’m pretty much drowning in tissues now. My nose is running like a faucet, and my throat hurts. But it’s a tiny bit better than yesterday anyway, so that’s a comfort. I’m just feeling sorry for myself and so on, but hey I’m the one with the cold, I get to do that. ;o)
Well, other than that, I don’t have much to say. I just wanted to complain and whine about me being sick, so.. Now I have done that. ^_^

//Syntium

Current mood: In need of purring

Still missing Rasmus.. It still feels like something’s (or rather someone) is missing when I go back to my parents. Of course he is missing, but I don’t really know how to deal with this hole in my heart. Thinking a lot of what I should’ve done, that I should’ve spent more time with him, talked to him. I hope he knew how much he meant to me.

Of course this makes me want another cat.. Some company. But now’s not the time, both financially and for other reasons. Like the weight losing stuff and so on. But I can’t help dreaming of a cat to keep me company. A calm cat, that can accept being an indoor cat. Oh, how I long for the feeling of fur, and the sound of purring.

But you don’t know what the future holds, so therefor I’ll wait, but some day I will have a little furball again!

On another note, I’ve added some new and fresh quotes under my ‘Random quotes’-thingy.

//Syntium

Current mood: Darren Hayesed

‘Origami full of grace’

As mentioned in a previous post I e-mailed a tattoo studio in town about a tattoo. And after many days, they answered, and said that it depended on the size how much it would cost. So I took my picture and went to the studio, to get a date and a price. And the tattoo artist was like: ‘I can do it now if you want?’ And I’m of course like ‘Ok!’
Wasn’t really mentally prepared for it, but since I had decided on the motif, I thought ‘why not?’
He said that he had finished earlier with someone else and therefor had the time. Otherwise I would have to wait until October! So, Darren Hayes’ little origami bird ended up on my left arm. Hope he doesn’t sue me for that.. I am so proud of it!

On another note, I have decided to go for the book instead of the video camera. I just pray I sell all the copies.

//Syntium

Current mood: Agonizingly undecided

I don’t know what to do. One minute, I feel, well, almost decided and the next not decided at all.
I want to buy a video camera, a camera to use for my video diaries, and I want to do an interview with my family members. The thing is, I’m not sure they’re all up for it. My dad will be the hardest to convince, and how fun would it be if not all of the family members contributed? And me buying a video camera for a lot of money, I wonder if it is worth it. What if I don’t finish the editing of the interviews for example?

And on the other hand I have this book which I don’t know if it will sell out in three months. Let’s say I sell half of the 100 copies, then I would have to pay like six thousand (and that is more than a video camera). But maybe I get all the copies sold, who knows? Gah, soo frustrating!
Thank God I’m seeing my therapist today!!

Maybe I should have some breakfast now..

//Syntium

Current mood: Excited, Sleepy

I’ve e-mailed a tattoo artist about my.. *counts*.. 6th tattoo. He hasn’t answered yet so I’m eagerly waiting for an answer to show up in my inbox. You’ll see what the motif will be when it’s done, but for now I want to keep it a secret. :o)
I’ll probably end up getting more tattoos, well, definitely if I get another cat. Then I want a paw print from that cat also, with its name above it, like the other paw tattoos I did. But as much as I want a cat right now (even e-mailed a few people about cats) it just doesn’t feel 100% right, not now anyway. Sad but true. But I hope that the distant future when I can get a cat isn’t too far away.

What else? Nothing much, except that my doctor will call today about the results of the tests I did last week, so we’ll see about what she says.

Other than that, not much to tell..

//Syntium

Current mood – Ok

‘I want to be the minority
I don’t need your authority
Down with the moral majority
‘Cause I want to be the minority ‘

I think I was about 16 when the thought of actually being bisexual first crossed my mind. Before that I just thought ‘somethin’s wrong with them’. Then I read something about homosexuals in a magazine. It said something like ‘Gay people relate to love songs the same way straight people do’. Which made me think that they may not be so different after all. And then, I slowly shifted, to fantasizing what it would be like kissing a girl. Imagining it felt strange but still something I couldn’t stop doing. I became more and more ‘obsessed’ with the thought of kissing another girl.

I thought a lot back and forth if I really was bisexual. ‘How can you be sure?’ ‘Why, of all the people I know, why me?’ And I think I first ‘decided’ that I was bisexual, because then there was a 50-50% chance that I would end up with a boy, at least it felt like that. Deep, deep down inside I think I knew that I was more lesbian than bisexual, but it felt so scary to admit that, that I buried it underneath a safety net of bisexuality.

So, I thought a lot about it for a few years and the feeling just grew stronger. Eventually I contacted this union (don’t know if that’s the right translation of the word) for LGBT’s, and met up with others that were gay or bisexual. The day after I met with them, they threw their monthly party, and I went there full of hope that I would meet a girl and live happily ever after.

Of course that didn’t happen. I didn’t even get kissed ;o). But during the years I’ve gradually come to terms with being a lesbian. Or, somewhat lesbian anyway. I’m not closing any doors, so to say. I guess I’m like 98% gay. But I personally believe that sexuality is not a constant thing. It can change over the years, or even from day to day. It’s fluent, at least for me. It’s just a feeling, you just know what is right and when. But I appreciate, that it can be hard as a teenager, not knowing any other gay people.
Hell, it’s hard even now. I live in a small town where most gay people leave for bigger cities, and that doesn’t leave you with a whole lot of options. Not that I have been on a party since like the turn of century.

Sometimes I look at women and I just wonder why, there are straight women, and homosexual men. What is it that they don’t get? I mean, women are beautiful! ;o) And some are just breath taking.
I don’t really know how I know, I just do. Because I am still waiting for that kiss.

//Syntium