Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: Stuffed with beavers

Yeah, perhaps I should explain that ‘current mood’. I have a cold, and I’m out of nasal spray, thus, I feel like I have a beaver shoved up each nostril. Not a pleasant feeling. Plus the cough. Oh, the agony.

I’d thought I’d try to make a list, but not just any list. An unordered list! So, here we go..

I wonder..

• ..if I’ll ever get rid of this cold?
• ..if anyone actually reads this blog, except for D? If you do, come out, come out where ever you are and write me a comment! ;D
• ..if I’ll ever lose all the weight I want to lose?
• ..if I’ll get any answer considering what the lump in my throat is. I doubt it. Doctors have a tendency to forget to call when the have said that they would, it seems. Or, the lump is harmless, and he doesn’t bother to tell me.
• ..why no one has reviewed my Flying doctors fan fic on fanfiction.net?

Well that was that. Let’s see if this thingy works!

//Syntium

Current mood – Drained

Suddenly I just felt drained of all the energy in my body. Don’t really know why, maybe it’s another cold coming on, I don’t know.
It’s weird, I have thoughts in my head, but it’s damn near impossible to form words of them on the keyboard.

I just realised today that the present is never what you imagine it to be, when it is the future. ‘Tomorrow’ always has a shimmer of perfection over it, and can never live up to what you imagined in you head. Conclusion? I wish life could be more like in my head.
I mean, even if I feel present in the present, so to say, it still doesn’t feel like I am imaging it. I don’t know.. I could be the feeling of the physical body weighs heavy on you. That your experiencing reality, and without this shimmer of perfection. Don’t know what I’m rambling about.

On another subject.. I bought the camcorder, thus, I have no clue as to finance books that I don’t sell, if any. I’m thinking that maybe I should put it off for a few months and save the money, and do some more fine tuning. I know, I know, you can fine tune forever and sometimes I feel satisfied with it and ready to publish. But right this moment, I don’t.
The right thing to do is to save up the money first, but as impatient as I am.. That may not work. But on the other hand I can’t keep asking parents for a loan every now and then. So, I think I’m going to postpone the book a bit. That’s solved then!

What else? Well, with the camcorder, I have been editing a little that I have captured on film. And it is fun! Especially when things look exactly the way you want it to, that’s a really satisfying feeling. The only problem, that I don’t have many ideas that I can edit. Maybe that’s why I’m drained.

I miss D. Guess that that’s what I really wanted to say.

//Syntium

Current mood: Contemplative

Change.. It can mean many things. Right now, I’m contemplating the idea of sex change. Not that I feel compelled to do it or trapped in the wrong body or something like that. I’m just thinking a little about it.

I am female, lesbian, and I guess some would categorize me as ‘butch’. For me, I feel like I am in the middle on the ‘butch’/'femme’ – scale, but I’m not sure that message always comes across to others. Of course, that changes from day o day. Sometimes I feel a little more boyish, and sometimes a little more girlish, so to speak. I think guy’s clothes are often cooler, and I would love to wear a shirt and tie someday, when it is ‘appropriate’. (My mom, sister and grandmother would kill me if I showed up at, say, some niece or nephew’s christening or something like that, wearing a tie).

So.. A sex change because you want to wear a certain kind of clothes, you ask? No. Most of the time I am comfortable with who I am. It’s just that sometimes.. I can just feel how people are labelling me. Dividing me into tiny parts and putting them in different boxes. And I understand that that’s how the human brain works, but I feel a little impaired by it. Like my ‘worth’ in their eyes is lessened because I choose to dress a certain way. But not because of the clothes, but because of what they assume I am. I usually have my hair cut short, I dress in a certain way (or try to at least), but I don’t really know if I emanate something like ‘I am gay’.

It’s not that they would be wrong, it’s just.. I want to be judged for me, for who I am, not for my sexual preferences. And I guess I’m thinking that if I would have a sex change, and be taken for a guy, then the whole thing of labelling would disappear. Of course it wouldn’t, but then I’d be a heterosexual guy, and not have to worry about what other people are thinking about me because I’m a lesbian. I guess what I am a afraid of is to get some negative remark or something. It’s not totally accepted in society to be homosexual.

But, on the other hand why should I worry about what people think? I shouldn’t, but I’m only human so a part of me does. But sometimes I feel proud to be me. It’s weird, I know.

//Syntium

Current mood: Undecided

At this point, I’ve got so much ideas that I don’t know which trail of idea to follow. There’s just to much going on in my head. And if I try to follow one thread of ideas, then it just doesn’t feel fun to write. Like I am forcing something. But I like having lots of ideas, about everything, instead of feeling just blank and empty. So I am Not complaining ^^

In other news, I added this widget to the blog with a few of Darren Hayes’ songs. So be sure check those out, they’re good (no I’m not biased at all).

Another thing I just added was a Captcha module to my comments section. Hopefully it will keep spam from my blog door. At first I thought it was fun, and a little flattering, to be honest, but now I’m just sick of it. It’s the same every time. So I hope this thingy works.

//Syntium

Current mood: A lil’ sleepy

Just thought I’d write a blog about how wonderfully creative I’ve been feeling lately. My flying doctor’s fan fic is almost done, I am sort of working on another seaQuest fan fic (not rushing anything) and now I’ve discovered tiddlywiki, which can be a fun way to just pour out all the ideas breaking loose in your head.

I’m currently working on forming a world where a story (or maybe several) can take place. It’s fun to ‘dream up’ a country’s history, religion, traits and so on. And with tiddlywiki you can tie it all together in a synopsis with links that will probably soon get you lost (at least in my wiki ^^).

I used to think that with taking my medicine, that I couldn’t get ideas as easily as I used to. But these past few weeks have proved me wrong so I am really happy about that =). That I can be creative with the medicine, and probably in a more healthy way.

//Syntium

Current mood: -

‘Long ago, when Mercury descended high on the moon’

It was a long time since I wrote here.. This place is covered with dust, and I think I just saw a tumbleweed blow by ;)

To be honest, I haven’t had much creativity left, I’ve been totally consumed by this fan fic that I’ve been writing. It is based on the Australian tv-show called The flying doctors. I’ve uploaded the first two chapters so far at fanfiction.net so if you want to check ‘Matters of the heart’ out then I suggest you do that here! Nickname Syntium of course. ;o)

I had such wondrous flow on that story, that I wasn’t out the door for several days. I hardly left my computer if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. Then, of course, after a few days, I felt completely drained of everything in me, so hence, no blog, no nothing almost.

In other news; I’ve started to walk barefoot a little. And it just feels like ‘Finally!’ This is what I’ve longed for the whole autumn and winter. Hope there’s no set back.

And soon! Soon.. Soon (well, relatively speaking) my book will be published! Maybe in May, or more likely June. I’m so excited! And scared to death! I know I’ve sold a few copies already, but not nearly enough. Will it sell out? Guess I just have to try and see to find out.

//Syntium