Change
Current mood: Contemplative
Change.. It can mean many things. Right now, I’m contemplating the idea of sex change. Not that I feel compelled to do it or trapped in the wrong body or something like that. I’m just thinking a little about it.
I am female, lesbian, and I guess some would categorize me as ‘butch’. For me, I feel like I am in the middle on the ‘butch’/'femme’ – scale, but I’m not sure that message always comes across to others. Of course, that changes from day o day. Sometimes I feel a little more boyish, and sometimes a little more girlish, so to speak. I think guy’s clothes are often cooler, and I would love to wear a shirt and tie someday, when it is ‘appropriate’. (My mom, sister and grandmother would kill me if I showed up at, say, some niece or nephew’s christening or something like that, wearing a tie).
So.. A sex change because you want to wear a certain kind of clothes, you ask? No. Most of the time I am comfortable with who I am. It’s just that sometimes.. I can just feel how people are labelling me. Dividing me into tiny parts and putting them in different boxes. And I understand that that’s how the human brain works, but I feel a little impaired by it. Like my ‘worth’ in their eyes is lessened because I choose to dress a certain way. But not because of the clothes, but because of what they assume I am. I usually have my hair cut short, I dress in a certain way (or try to at least), but I don’t really know if I emanate something like ‘I am gay’.
It’s not that they would be wrong, it’s just.. I want to be judged for me, for who I am, not for my sexual preferences. And I guess I’m thinking that if I would have a sex change, and be taken for a guy, then the whole thing of labelling would disappear. Of course it wouldn’t, but then I’d be a heterosexual guy, and not have to worry about what other people are thinking about me because I’m a lesbian. I guess what I am a afraid of is to get some negative remark or something. It’s not totally accepted in society to be homosexual.
But, on the other hand why should I worry about what people think? I shouldn’t, but I’m only human so a part of me does. But sometimes I feel proud to be me. It’s weird, I know.
//Syntium
