Les Moulins Des Mon Coeur
Current mood: Broken
‘Hello darkness, my old friend’
It’s over me again. This anguish over Life. Or rather my life in particular. I keep asking myself the question ‘why? Why live?’ But I fail to come up with a good answer. I just can’t find a really good reason to live right now. Not that I want to kill myself, but I feel kind of blank. Like nothing matters.
I’m supposed to do this gastric bypass sometime next year because I need to lose a few tons. Anyway, I keep thinking that this surgery won’t change anything except that I’ll be thinner (hopefully anyway). I’ll still be me, with the same struggles, same difficulties (well, yes, except the physical stuff) same angst..
D is an invaluable support for me. Haven’t seen him since January though. And when we’ll meet, a year has passed at the very least.. Can’t remember what he smells like. I need him to hug me, take me away from all of this wallowing in self pity and stuff. But even if he was here I’m not sure that would help. It’s just like this huge hole inside of me.
I just want to take pills, to numb myself. Just sleep. Then maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.
//Syntium
