Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: Sad

‘Give me a taste of what’s to come
Give me a medicine
Teach me a lesson maybe I deserve to know
Cut me down to size and paralyze me
With the contents of you pretty little head’

Why can’t life be more.. Like you want it to be? It feels like I am constantly waiting for Life. Waiting to feel better from depression and schizophrenia. Waiting for the gastric bypass that, hopefully, will change my life. Waiting for a cat. And I am waiting for D.
I want him to come and just hold me forever, and I don’t want to feel scared or jealous.

As said, I am constantly waiting it feels. For life to begin. For inspiration to come to me so that I can write my generational novel. Waiting to feel like using the exercise bike.

Okay, I shouldn’t be too pessimistic. I have tried to change my eating habits, and it’s worked out pretty well.
But still, that’s only to prepare myself for the surgery. I’m preparing for my life, I’m not living it. Like, I bought this whiteboard, to do mind maps and stuff for stories so that I can get a better overview. Ok so that’s all well and good. But I can’t picture me writing anything on it without a cat. What do I need a cat for to write on a whiteboard? Well, I need someone to discuss my ideas out loud without feeling like a total nutcase. Not that anyone would hear me if I spoke out loud now, I’d just feel weird. My point being.. I’m buying stuff  to satisfy some need I don’t really have right now, but I might in the future.

It’s screwed up, I know.

My countdown-gadget says that it’s ‘only’ 1 month and 26 days until I get to go to the dietitian. So time has gone by some, it still feels like forever until I’ll get to meet with her. And even longer until the actual gastric bypass.

‘Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans’

Too true.

//Pessimistic Syntium

There’s so many things that I want to say, so I don’t know how much sense this will make, but here we go..

By accident, I stumbled upon  an exclusive download of the booklet of the Time machine tour, in a corner of my computer’s hard drive. And I read what you’ve written there, and suddenly it hit me what you were saying, about how you have to make peace with you past to move on.

I am at the moment 28 years old, and I’ve been feeling depressed and paranoid since about when I was 10 years old. The depression got worse over the years, my teens were almost unbearable, and my early twenties even worse. Then, in my early twenties I got diagnosed for schizophrenia (that’s were the paranoia and hallucinations came from).

From when I was 24 to about 26-27 I was feeling so-so. Not depressed but not happy either. I thought a lot about the past, why it had turned out the way it had. I wanted a scapegoat for my crappy teens, like ‘Why didn’t anyone help me?’
Now I know that everyone did what they could to the best of their knowledge.

On June 19th 2008, I started to write a book. The thought was that I needed to get it all out, so that family and anyone involved would see things from my point view. I was brutally honest, about thoughts, suicide attempts, all the horrible feelings I’ve felt about myself.
I have only gotten a positive response from people who’ve read it and that feels wonderful.

Back to the point of this blog post.. I realized that this book was my little time machine in which I went back and forgave myself and my past, so to say. I went back in time, with the knowledge I had (through years of therapy), and somehow healed myself. I feel free! Reborn if you will, and ready to move on and create new, better, memories. I just wanted you to know about my revelation.

Now, I can’t even begin to describe what your music has meant, and mean, to me. Don’t ever doubt that your music matter, because it does! It touches me on so many levels, I haven’t found another artist that I love pretty much All of the songs with, except you. I can’t wait to hear your new album! And, on a side note, I am kind of old-fashioned, so please always release your music on cd? Please? =) And don’t ever stop recording your beautiful music!

//J

Current mood: Creative

‘There are many in your life
And many still to be
Since you are a shining light
There’s many that you’ll see
But I have to deal with envy
When you choose the precious few’

Yeah.. I don’t really know what to write, just got that ‘loveable’ feeling of wanting to write. No I don’t love that feeling at all. It’s fun and all if you’ve got something to write, but I seldom do, so..

I am working on a sequel to ‘Matters of the heart’ a Flying doctors fan fic, and I really want to write it, but it’s not coming along so easily as the first one did. There are things that need explaining, which I have no clue how to explain, or if they really need to be explained. But I so want to write it!
I will force D to read the second chapter, see what he thinks, and maybe get some input.

I’m not changing my wordpress theme. I’m Not! I’m just.. looking. There’s a lot of great themes. But No! I am not changing, I am pleased with the one I’ve got. I’m still grieving that I can’t really use the one I made myself. I loved it. Loved it! Stupid wordpress.. Hmm, I guess I could live with the heading saying Syntium | The Blog. But now it’s kinda too late. I made some changes with it and I’m not sure but I don’t think I saved it in the original files. I wonder.. Maybe I can have it anyway then? But there was problems with the font so, I guess I’ll just keep the one I’ve got. Or look around for a new one ^^

I’ll just name this post after the song I’m listening to.

//Syntium

Part II

Sorry… I just couldn’t resist changing the theme. >_< This is a reeally good looking theme! It’s nice to change once in a while.

//Syntium

Current mood: Sleepy

‘And I’m so lonely
I don’t even wanna be with myself anymore’

I can get really sick of my own company. Though I should be used to it by now, not having any friends up until I was twenty years old, when D came into my life. He opened up a whole new world to me, who always had thought was a loner, got to experience what it was like to be close to another human being. This confused me a lot in the beginning (and a lot of the years to come), this closeness. That we seem to on the exact same wavelength almost always. He’s my best friend in every sense of the words. He’s my touch stone, my soul mate, someone who I can confide in, lean on, he makes me feel stronger (although he has a harsh way of beating me to a pulp with words sometimes, but then only to lift me up straight away again).

I blame my loneliness on D. I don’t feel lack of company, I feel lack of His company! It’s him that I want to hang out with, play games, talk, watch movies, take walks or whatever. But as of late, I have only seen him like once a year. That is way too seldom in my eyes. But things keep getting in the way, and I don’t know when I’ll see him the next time.
This was uplifting!

I’m going to this group once a week, with people like me who will do a gastric bypass. So we’re discussing things which we wonder, and want answers to. We talk about experiences of being obese, stuff like that. It feels really good going to this group, because everyone is so positive and supportive of each other. Yesterday I felt really psyched, when I was going home with the bus afterwards. When I got home I heated up some leftovers and ate. But after I didn’t feel full, as I should’ve done, but I felt this craving for potato chips. So since needed to buy milk and bread, I used that as an excuse to go to the store and buy some potato chips.
When going back home, my back ached so much that I was near tears. And I kept thinking ‘Why am I doing this to myself?’ Why do I buy potato chips and thus make my obesity worse than it has to be?” Just then I failed to come up with a good answer. But when I was done eating the potato chips (of course I ate them anyway), it hit me. Again. I have written about it before in this blog. I was feeling good about the surgery I am about to do, that it would succeed, and that I was to succeed. But then the chips was like a counter attack to the good feeling I had. Like I sometimes have to torture/comfort myself with food. Torture, because I had experienced a good feeling and I am not worthy of that (imo), so I had to eat this bag of potato chips, just so I could feel bad about myself and therefor feel good.

I really have to get to the bottom om my relationship with food. And my relationship with myself

//Syntium

Current mood: -

‘Ooh I want you
I don’t know if I need you
But ooh I die to find out

So can we find out?’

Yehehes! I wants it! I needs it! (I think). I know, I know, I probably won’t have that much use for it, since I have my DS Lite. But it’s oh so cool!
Sadly it’s a bit (!) over my budget at the moment, and also the fact that it’s not even in production yet.. But Damn, I want one! Maybe someday. This is, of course, the Pandora, a little computer and gaming console. Head over to openpandora.org for more details.

What’s not so far into the future is my surgery. Not The surgery mind you, not the Gastric bypass, but the removal of the lump in my throat. I am scared, but it will probably be alright. If I don’t get a cold that is, woke up with a sore thoat today, but I think it’ll be alright.

What else? Don’t think I have anything else.

Over and out

//Syntium