Relationships
Current mood: Sleepy
‘And I’m so lonely
I don’t even wanna be with myself anymore’
I can get really sick of my own company. Though I should be used to it by now, not having any friends up until I was twenty years old, when D came into my life. He opened up a whole new world to me, who always had thought was a loner, got to experience what it was like to be close to another human being. This confused me a lot in the beginning (and a lot of the years to come), this closeness. That we seem to on the exact same wavelength almost always. He’s my best friend in every sense of the words. He’s my touch stone, my soul mate, someone who I can confide in, lean on, he makes me feel stronger (although he has a harsh way of beating me to a pulp with words sometimes, but then only to lift me up straight away again).
I blame my loneliness on D. I don’t feel lack of company, I feel lack of His company! It’s him that I want to hang out with, play games, talk, watch movies, take walks or whatever. But as of late, I have only seen him like once a year. That is way too seldom in my eyes. But things keep getting in the way, and I don’t know when I’ll see him the next time.
This was uplifting!
I’m going to this group once a week, with people like me who will do a gastric bypass. So we’re discussing things which we wonder, and want answers to. We talk about experiences of being obese, stuff like that. It feels really good going to this group, because everyone is so positive and supportive of each other. Yesterday I felt really psyched, when I was going home with the bus afterwards. When I got home I heated up some leftovers and ate. But after I didn’t feel full, as I should’ve done, but I felt this craving for potato chips. So since needed to buy milk and bread, I used that as an excuse to go to the store and buy some potato chips.
When going back home, my back ached so much that I was near tears. And I kept thinking ‘Why am I doing this to myself?’ Why do I buy potato chips and thus make my obesity worse than it has to be?” Just then I failed to come up with a good answer. But when I was done eating the potato chips (of course I ate them anyway), it hit me. Again. I have written about it before in this blog. I was feeling good about the surgery I am about to do, that it would succeed, and that I was to succeed. But then the chips was like a counter attack to the good feeling I had. Like I sometimes have to torture/comfort myself with food. Torture, because I had experienced a good feeling and I am not worthy of that (imo), so I had to eat this bag of potato chips, just so I could feel bad about myself and therefor feel good.
I really have to get to the bottom om my relationship with food. And my relationship with myself
//Syntium
