Syntium – The Blog

‘The things that are pleasing you
Will hurt you somehow’

B-day Saturday. Having family over for dinner on Sunday. Both looking forward to and not. Things are kind of shitty right now. Or not ‘kind of’ they are shitty. Really shitty. Feels like my whole inside are breaking apart and that I am stuck with the pieces that I don’t want. I really don’t like myself very much right now.

I’m thinking I should deny myself one thing that I really want, because in the end it will only be even messier inside of me. And yet the thought of giving that up brings tears to my eyes. But it is what I should do, but I don’t know if I can. And that hurts even more.

//Syntium

‘Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast’

Current mood: Still a little bit yay

Yes.. uh, well I’m trying out to have two blog posts in one day as opposed to have a part II in the first one.
Still happy to have my old theme back :) This time it (hopefully) stays!

I was toying with the idea of getting my eyebrow pierced for the third time (hey, third time lucky), but I’m not sure.. When you think about it, I should spend that money on a cat instead, I would probably not take proper care of it like the other two that migrated. -_-

No, my conclusion is that I can spend those money in a better place like, say, a cat. But still.. No I should go with the part of me that says piercings are so the Beginning of the century. Not very original to have a piercing or a tattoo these days. That, and a CAT ffs!

Nevermind that now. As I went through the old blog post to change the funny signs, I found that the first time I mentioned gastric bypass was September 28 in 2008. So I have sort of worked for this since then you could say. That’s two years and still no surgery. I believe it when I see it. The surgery I mean.

It’s funny how time seem to stand still and yet move so fast. Funny thing..

//Syntium

Current mood: YAY!

I’ve decided not to give a crap about the flaws with the font of this theme (which I’ve made myself) and use it anyway. It’s the only theme I haven’t grown bored of.
And now I have gone through 128 blog posts to change those flaws. Three dots in a row makes a | (that’s why I only use two dots) and also the quotation-mark makes a | (that’s why I use ‘-sign). And that’s also why there’s a vertical line in the blog’s title.
But I won’t care about that anymore.

This theme is called Computer Galaxy for some reason I don’t really know. Maybe because in the beginning I was going for an old skool type of computer look. And now it’s back and I am so happy! Now I won’t have to search for the perfect theme, I’ve got it :D

On another note, it its of course, snowing outside.. Me cursing it won’t help. I bet it’s someone out there doing a snow dance (you know, like the native Americans did rain dancing). Why else would it be coming more and more snow all the friggin’ time? I don’t get it, I really don’t, with all the talk of global warming.. Sschyea right!

This post is named after a song, for no particular reason.

//Syntium

‘Je respirer’

Current mood: Weary

Why won’t this stupid snow go away?! I am so sick of it, you can’t even begin to imagine! Is it really a new ice age or something? The snow has been here since before X-mas?! I mean.. Come on!

*Sigh*

Well, hopefully, hopefully, I will get my Gastric bypass before the summer. That’s what the surgeon said anyway, that he hoped it would be before the summer. Yeah I do to! And if I don’t get it before summer (if there’ll ever be summer that is) then I don’t know what I’ll do.

It feels like everything is on hold up, mainly because I have to wait for the GBP and then the weather of course, but.. Nothing’s getting anywhere it seems. I don’t know.. It’s just a weird feeling, that we got stuck in some grey day in the beginning of January, like Groundhog day.

And on top of everything, I had to buy new shoes last Sunday, ’cause the ones I had were so worn down. Shoes!! I want to be walking barefoot by now (ok, maybe not in the middle of February, but still, you get my meaning).
Hmm, seems everything I write comes down to two things GBP and snow.

Begone evil snow!!

//Syntium

Current mood: Sad

Yes, sad this time as well, but in a different kind of way. Or maybe not so different after all.

Went to visit my grandmother yesterday. As I’ve written here before, she is getting increasingly forgetful, and yesterday she seemed to have taken one dose too much of the medication (it comes in small plastic bags with the date and time on them, so really, she shouldn’t be able to mess it up), and this has happened at least once before.

I don’t now.. It’s just heartbreakening to see it from the outside, and I can’t imagine what she’s feeling. It must be embarrassing to get ‘caught’ with something strange that you have done. Sometimes she ask the same question twice or even three times as if it just slipped her mind completely.

And what I realised yesterday is that.. I guess maybe the day of when she can’t remember anything at all is getting closer and closer. And eventually.. Well, she won’t be there anymore.

But I think it would be easier to accept that fact if she wasn’t showing signs of some kind of dementia, if her mind wasn’t dulled or whatever the best word is to use here. Or maybe I’m just trying to trick myself into thinking it would be easier.

In a few years.. who knows where she is? That saddens me.

//Syntium

Current mood: Sad

Fourteen months and counting.. I don’t even think I cried like this when I had put him to his final rest. Can’t stop crying, and I don’t get it. It’s been over a year and it was like it just hit me now how much I would liked to have had him here with me.

I wish so much that I could kiss his nose, hold his paw in my hand while listening to him purr. Stroke his fur, tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me.

I’m just so tired.. So tired of everything. I just want to sleep and wake up when it’s spring.

Rasmus.. You are sorely missed!

//Syntium

‘In the coldest time of year’

Current mood: Bored to tears

Constructive day. No, really. I carried out the trash and went to the grocery store in this blistering cold. Yeah that’s it, I was being sarcastic. I should’ve gotten some writing done but I just didn’t feel that inspired. So I sit here, waiting for e-mails to pop up in my inbox (or whatever) and I add unnecessary things to my blog like my last tweet, and the most recent tracks I’ve been listening to.
But I’ve gotten bored with that too, I get that sometimes, bored with music. All music. I just can’t stand the sound of it, it annoys me. But then again hearing the wind howl outside my window is pretty fucking boring too.

I really hate this cold, the snow and the ice. I wish I could go barefoot, but it doesn’t seem to happen anytime soon. Blergh! I bet it’s another Ice age coming on, it’ll never be spring again :(

I’m not so sure this is the blog theme for me either. I think is too dark, with black font, and if I brighten it up a bit then the lyrics quotes I have sometimes in the beginning of each blog post is too hard to read. So I guess it’s back to searching.

//Syntium

Part II: Search over for a while..

Yes, at least until I get enough annoyed with something to want to change it. Let’s just face it, there IS no such thing as the perfect theme!

//Syntium