Syntium – The Blog

Current mood: Pensive

So..  The weather outside kind of reflect my mood. It’s raining. Got depressing music in my playlist also. Don’t really know what’s wrong with me tonight. Well, except for the fact that a friend of mine has been dead for two years. She committed suicide.

I had this dream about her, or maybe you could say nightmare, that I’ve written about in the post called ‘Nightmares’. Anyway, it just hit me today, that I often think I see her on the town but it’s someone that looks like her or there’s something that reminds me of her and yet.. I haven’t dreamed of her since that nightmare, which I think is a little bit odd considering she occupies my mind quite a lot from time to time.

There’s always so much questions when someone dies. Was there something I could have done different? Most likely yes, but I seemed to lack the energy to be her friend. I preferred to be isolated, sitiing by my computer, living my life on the Internet. It feels like that was kind of selfish of me to withdraw when I felt that she needed more than I could give. I guess it was just an instinct for survival on my part. Maybe I unconsciously knew how bad it was, and withdrew so that she would not ‘drag me down’ with her.

I don’t know. I don’t know anything. The thing that frustrates me to no end is just that. That I’ll never have any answers. All I can do is to put a mental flower at her grave.

//Syntium

I love it! Just love it! Trying to post from it now, and adding a pic as well. We’ll ser how it goes.

//Syntium

Current mood: Frustrated

I want to write so bad it’s like a stomach cramp. Or be creative in Some way. Draw something. But it wouldn’t live up to my standards, so I’ll just give up before I start. -_-
I have this notebook where I (or is supposed to) scribble down ideas. And today (and yesterday) I wrote a diary of sorts and it felt really good to be holding a pen again, even though I only wrote about not having anything to write.

But the feeling.. The feeling of holding a pen and writing instead of tapping away on a keyboard, was almost overwhelmingly wonderful. Too bad I don’t have anything to write. That I feel is fun and tempting to write, because if I have that feeling about a story then I usually get some writing done.

Wish I could do something about this writer’s block.

//Syntium

Current mood: Sad, stressed out

I wish D was here. He is coming to visit in just 10 days, and I have started the countdown. Why am I stressed out? Because I am scared that time will fly by too fast when D comes. He’s staying here about two weeks, and I’m afraid that that won’t feel enough. That I won’t have the time to ‘get enough’ of him.

And sad then? Well, to be honest, it was something D said..
He said that it made him sad that I am a shopoholic. At first I was offended by that, thinking “It’s not like I don’t pay the bills and buy food first Before I buy stuff”. But then I thought about it and he’s right. I am a shopoholic. To my defense, I don’t buy random stuff just to buy them. But if it’s something I really want then I’ll buy it. The problem is I want a lot of things. I buy clothes that don’t really fit me yet. And today I bought this beautiful pendant. Anyway, if I find something that I really like to buy, or consider buying, I’ll tell D because I want his opinion.

Like the pendant. I guess I wanted him to say ‘Yeah, that’s a beautiful pendant that will fit you perfectly, you’ve got good taste’. Or something like that anyway. But I guess it all makes him uncomfortable in some way. Maybe what I am looking for is his ‘approval’ or so to say. I have this urge to buy stuff to satisfy something inside me, that I don’t really know what it is. (I wish my therapist wasn’t on vacation).

To be honest (again), there was a while when I didn’t feel this urge to buy stuff, and now it hit me like a ton of bricks. My best guess is that, I haven’t been very careful in taking my medicine. Complete and utter laziness was the cause. But now I’m back on track with taking it, but maybe this is an effect of not taking the medicine? That deep, deep, deeeeep down there’s some anxiety I am trying to control by buying stuff? I don’t know.

The title of this post is really random (or maybe not so random). It is the name of a picture D made, apparently it’s from a game (don’t remember which at this point) and means to kick someone in the groin.

//Syntium