Syntium – The Blog

‘And I don’t know what’s left of me
I don’t know whats right with me’

My mood is somewhat unbalanced at the moment. I keep shifting from sad, dispirited and saturnine. Or maybe those words have all the same meaning. I feel drained of all energy. Disappointed. Frustrated. Tired. Not physically, but mentally. And the thing is.. I’m not sure all of the aforementioned feelings are mine. I can’t help but getting the feeling that I have somehow taken over what D is feeling as well. He’s not exactly doing great at the moment, and I feel like a sponge sucking up his feelings. And I want to do that. I’d rather be miserable than that he should suffer. But it doesn’t feel as if it is helping.

It’s weekend. And first thing Monday morning I am going to make some calls to straighten out some question marks. What is frustrating is that it feels like forever until it’s Monday. I know it isn’t but I want to do something to get me out of here as soon as possible. As said, I feel drained and tired and not in the mood for anything. Things just suck at the moment and I can’t really, despite this blog entry, make out why.

Nevermind.

//Syntium

‘What if the world is:
Waiting there for the ones who love it
Offering all the fruits within it
Maybe I’m too comfortable here
in the same old town
In the same old town’

As always when I have come to a decision about something I want it to happen instantly! That is a frustrating feeling, I must say. But on the other hand, I have this strange feeling. I feel calm in that decision to move to D. I feel calm because I have never been more sure of something in my life, it feels. It’s a huge thing, to move like that, but it feels so right so I am confident it will take place.

Now is the time. I feel ready! I feel strong! And that worries me.. (Of course it does, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t worry about Something). I’m worried that I put too much faith in this move. That everything will be perfect as long as I move to D’s town. Nothing turns out the way you expect it to. Or maybe it will, but it won’t feel like you have imagined it to feel. Of course, that doesn’t mean it has to be bad, it’s just.. Never how you imagine it.

Still, I can’t wait to pack up my life in boxes and move out of this town!

//Syntium

‘There’s a crack in the door
It’s okay to want more
You’ve been dying for years’

That’s how it feels. Or maybe how I want to feel. That it’s okay to want more.
I have more or less decided that I will move to the town where D lives. It’s far away from where I live now, and it’s far away from my family here. I think that my mom wasn’t very happy about me moving. But I need to get away and really try my wings. And also live closer to D of course.

But I feel guilty for wanting that. For hurting them (my parents), but I can’t stay here any longer, it almost feels like I can’t breathe here. And I feel ashamed that I feel that, because I ‘shouldn’t’.

You know what you have but not what you will get, (translated from Swedish, so if it sounds funny..). The thing is that I don’t know what life will be like in D’s town. But on the other hand, I know what life is like here, and it almost feels like I don’t have a choice in the matter. I have to move Somewhere. But I still feel guilt ridden. =/

//Syntium

‘I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city’

Current mood: Calm

As the title suggests, there’s not a whole lot of activity that goes on in my life at the moment. But.. I think that will change. Hopefully I can try studying again, and make it work this time!
Don’t really know what happened last time, but right now as of this moment.. I feel like I can maybe do this.

And as the lyrics quote suggests.. Yeah I am so tired of this town! But if I have studying ahead of me then I won’t get out of here for another 4-5 years! I wish I could live closer to D. There’s nothing really that ties me to this place anymore, except well, family. But D is family too.
Ah, I am a little confused. This feeling of needing to move on is not a feeling that I’ve really had before. Quite the opposite, I’ve enjoyed the safety and the comforts of knowing this place inside out, and having family nearby. There’s no challenge in that. But as said, it will probably take a while yet before I get out of here.

//Syntium