Again, much time has passed since I wrote here. I don’ seem to have the need to publish every little thought and feeling.
I have taken up diary writing again, and I love it. They say different parts of the brain are used when writing with a pen and keyboard respectively. I believe that. It feels more natural to write with a pen and your thoughts doesn’t get held up by trying to find the right key.
Paper is important of course. I’ve ordered some yellow legal pads, that arrived today and finally!
When I googled for “yellow legal pads” I found people who are as particular as I am when it comes to paper and notebooks. It made me feel warm inside, that I am not alone in feeling like that. Anywhere they have office supplies is like a toy store for me ^^. I had to import those yellow legal pads, we don’t have them here.
The ideal would of course be if I could head over to the US myself and go to Office Depot and buy notebooks and pads, but that would make them kind of expensive.
I’m going there some day and buy loads of notebooks and notepads! Some day…
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Soon, on Saturday to be precise, I am taking a huge leap emotionally and physically. I am moving in with D. He lives about 30 Swedish miles from where I live now, so… Huge leap :)
It’s only temporary, I will continue looking for an apartment of my own, but I’m kind of hoping we will both feel it’s the right thing to be living together. At this precise moment, it’s the right thing to do, and I hope it will stay that way =)
I never thought it could feel like this, like I want to embrace the whole world. And not just the being in love thing (yeah, I’m in love with D), but it feels like I’m bursting with these good feelings.
So, I thought, new town, new habits. I’m thinking of having a real diary again. You know, a notebook, with a pen. ^^ I’m not as paranoid as I was, say, ten years ago so I may not burn this new diary like I did with the ones I kept during my teens and so on. We’ll see.
One thing I hope though, when on the subject of writing, that I will be able to write more stuff. All kinds of stuff. The problem is that I got too many things going on in my head at once, that I want to write, and I can only focus on one at a time. Maybe that’s not a big problem, I can always focus on one thing and when I get bored with that, write on something else.
So, uh… I don’t really know where this blog’s heading. I renewed my subscription for the website, but I don’t feel like writing here as much as I did in the beginning. And really, who reads these personal blogs anyway? ;)
‘This is all atypical. No one else has had the time to read the signs. You are the only one. No one else can keep me from the danger of myself. You keep me stronger. You are the only one. And now I love you even more than I did before.’
D… What can I say that Darren Hayes can’t say even better? ;)
It is said that good things comes to those who wait. And I have realized that I am glad I waited, that I made it through the sucky years. The future feels bright and good things are heading our way, I just know it. You were right all along, telling me to hold on, because the sunny future was there!
I’m overflowing with feelings for you. I just want to be close to you, hold you tight and hear you heartbeat. It’s so soothing to hear. I can’t hide what I am feeling for you, and I don’t want to. I want the world to know, but at the same time… I know that no one could ever understand the deep, profound strings that tie us together
As the Darren Hayes-quote goes ‘You keep me stronger’, it’s true (well, all of those words are true). You make me want to be a better person. I want to make you happy, in any way I can. And know that you make me so happy too.
I think I’ve said this to you before: People may come and go in our lives, but you are my true constant. My other half. You complete me. And soon I will be complete again.
‘But if anybody can We can’
I’m moving in with D.
Though it’s only temporary, until I find my own place in his town, I am thrilled to say the least. Well, most of the time anyway. Some times it’s just plain scary. But right now… The weather’s fantastic, I’m starting to unwind, and life in general feels pretty damn good!
First off, I’d like to congratulate the world’s greatest D on his burfday, so… Happy birthday D!
With that said, I don’t really know what to write. Everyday I think about writing here, but it seldom feels completely right. I don’t know why that is. But it gets me thinking why I keep this blog, or any blog that I have (I have a few of them).
This one I like the best, so to speak, but still… And I don’t want to write just nonsense every five minutes (though I’ve had my fair share of nonsense moments).
I guess there’s not much going on to tell in my life, or maybe this blog have played out its part, I really don’t know. I’ve had it for some time, since 2008 and I don’t really know what to do with it If I give up writing here completely.
But that doesn’t feel right either, to give it up completely. It’s not that I have this need of writing every day, but a few times a month would be alright. As it is now, well, it’s only once a month tops.
*sigh*
As said, I don’t really know what to do with this, not just the blog but the whole syntium website. What themes to have and stuff like that.
I’m Visiting D again.
It’s great now that I can come visit more often, get a feel of this place, since I am moving here, and that will be soon I hope. Still no apartment in sight (why’s it gotta be so hard?).
But anyway, what I was going to say is that I love spending time with D. We watched a few movies this weekend and I thought I’ list them for you (purely for my entertainment ;)
The first movie we saw was Tangled. I liked it a lot, it was fun albeit no surprises story wise. But, it’s Disney so…
The next movie we happened to see was Jackass 3D. I’ve never seen the show Jackass or anything like that, and I’m not really a fan of slapstick or people getting hurt for the sake of entertainment but though I hate to admit it… It was interesting to watch. It grew on me so to speak, and I started to actually enjoy watching people getting super glued to one another.
The next one… Well, after watching Jackass 3D with two guys (;), I felt I needed a counterweight. So, we saw Black swan. “Big mistake. Huge!” No, I don’t wish to ‘unsee’ it, it was a fantastic movie, but it made me feel crap after I saw it. It was pure angst!
The very lovable feeling of not knowing whether you are hallucinating, not being able to trust yourself or your senses, what they’re telling you… I’ve been there. Or the feeling of not knowing if you’re dreaming or not.
It was a huge anxiety attack to say the least.
And then yesterday D and I went to the movies. We saw ‘I am number four’. I was pleasantly surprised, I must say, though I did not have hig expectations to begin with so… Cool action flick, though the story could have been more ‘fleshed out’, I think. I wouldn’t mind seeing a sequel, and I guess it left an opening for that to happen. Guess we’ll see.
So, on another note, D will help me with my writing and I am supposed to start by writing him a pitch of sorts so that he can get a grasp of my idea (and maybe it will help me to get a grasp of it too).
So, with that said, I should start writing :)
I… Just… Tamed… Skoll! And, I only started looking today! I’m such a lucky dawg, found Loque’nahak just by coincidence also, when I was searching for him. Found Skoll at Bor’s breath, and now he is known as… Thunder! Loque’nahak a.k.a Frost will be in the stables for a while. Think I will tame a red fox as well, just for the fun of it ^^.
As said, I only started looking today, half spamming the chat with “Anyone seen Skoll lately?” and of course using a macro to target him. So, when the macro reacted I first thought something was wrong, but then I realized that I had to have found him! And I got nervous that someone would kill him, since there seemed to be other people camping for him. He pounced me when I started taming him (so cute).
Same thing as with Frost (a.k.a Loque’nahak), at first I just couldn’t believe that I had actually tamed him. Cheered out loud, bounced up and down, I did ^^. But with Frost it was harder, he killed me several times, and I was so afraid that someone would take him from me.
So now, I am a proud owner of yes, count them two (2) spirit beasts!
Me so happy!
As mentioned in very early blog posts, I have a thing for notebooks. I bought a pack of three yesterday, and a notepad. I wanted to buy the 30th-anniversary Pac man one but it was really expensive so I probably wouldn’t even dare to remove the plastic wrapping. And really, what’s the use then? I imagine that I will use all of those notebooks and pads for Something, but I very rarely use my “idea book”. I do most, if not all of my writing on a computer and maybe some notes on my phone.
It’s a shame because I really like the thought of a full-scribbled note book. Full of ideas that is. Maybe that’s the problem. If I have any ideas then I’ll write them on the computer. It is a great feeling to write with a pen on paper. I should do it more often.
I’m visiting D. It’s great, wonderful, fantastic, amazing and fun to be here! I’m starting to feel like.. Like this is home. To be cheesy, home is where the heart is. I’m sure I will not want to go home when these few weeks are over.
I sold my netbook to my brother at Christmas, because I needed money for the move. I still don’t have enough for the move by far! But selling the netbook.. I’m beginning to think that that was a stupid thing to do. Because I think I need one. To sit elsewhere in the apartment and just focus on the writing. Problem is.. A new one costs a lot more than I got for my old one. And I need that money for the move. But on the other side, I need to invest in a possible career as a writer. I’m so torn. So, so torn. I suppose I could sit by my ‘big’ computer but then I feel like I can’t really immerse myself in the writing. There’s just too many things that distract me there.
I can’t decide. No matter what I do, it would feel wrong in a big way. If I buy the netbook, then I won’t get to move as fast as I want and I would feel a little like wasting money on something that I probably could do on my big computer with (a great deal of) discipline. On the other hand, if I don’t buy the netbook, I might be.. Not as good a writer as I want to be. And I think it might be worth investing in, enhancing my writing skills. But as said I am so torn.
Fuck fuck fuck! I want to write. I have ideas, lots of them. But I seldom seem to actually write them down. I want to have a place where I can write them down in peace, and not be distracted by Facebook and all that stuff. Close it down you say? I can’t it’s just.. I can’t! D is supposed to help with my writing. We will start a sort of project together, which he will be the project leader of. We will put up little goals and stuff, so that I can write in a more structured way.
I’m just repeating myself.
//Syntium
Oh my.. It’s been 2 months since I wrote here. I don’t know why I haven’t written, probably because I haven’t had anything to write about. The thought has even struck me that I should close down this blog, but I’m not sure about that one, it’s hard to decide.
So, what has happened since last time? Well, Christmas was no fun. The day before, I started to have a cough. On Christmas eve it was even worse, and Christmas day was even more worse. I had a temperature of 39,9 degrees Celsius and I wanted to like.. Die.
I think I spent like a week at my parents house, being sick, and then I realised that it wouldn’t go away by itself, so my parents drove me to the hospital.
There it was ascertained that I had both pneumonia and swine flu. Spent some time in the intensive care ward. Apparently, I’d been so sick that they almost had to anesthetize me and put me in a respirator. Suffice it to say, I don’t remember much, and that’s a bit scary. It’s also very scary to think of how serious it all was. If I hadn’t done my gastric bypass I probably wouldn’t have survived.
Anyway.. Still no apartment close to D. That sucks. And it is soon February, the month of the big three-oh. :/ But at least I’ll spend it with D. Hopefully, if something doesn’t come in the way. With my luck it probably does..
And somehow my Flattr-buttons seems to have disappeared. Strange..
Isn’t it the ugliest thing you ever saw? I have no doubt it is, since I’ve never been very skilled working with my hands. Needless to say, the original (which I got from a Swedish blog) looks way better. I made this out of perler beads, for the world’s greatest D, for helping me out with the move (whenever that will be). I just can’t wait ’til after the move to show D my masterpiece (I’ve never been very patient) and this way with posting it on the blog, he doesn’t have to fake a smile and pretend to be grateful, mwehehehe. ;)
The corners need an extra layer or two, but I ran out of perler beads in that color, so that will have to be fixed sometime in the future.
Ok, so who do I have to sleep with to get a computer and monitor steampunked? It’s expensive as fuck (well, not really, considering..), but it would definitely be something that I would invest in, should I become.. A tiny bit more wealthy :o).
I’m a sucker for aestethics, I really am, but they also seem fun to type with somehow.
You can head over to datamancer.net to see for yourself what I am raving about. Or just look at this picture (that I shamelessly stole from the aforementioned web site).
Isn’t it a thing of beauty? ‘It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine!’ ‘My precioussss..’ Ok, enough with the movie quotes, you get the picture. It’s just that, I just discovered this steampunk thing (I’ve liked it, but I never knew there was a word for it), I think it was yesterday when I showed D a picture of what I wanted to be the feel of the technology humans use in a story of mine, and he said ‘Steampunk’. So, I googled and found many wondrous things. To tell you the truth it was both relieving and a little, hm, disappointed to find such a thing actually exists, that you basically think you’ve thought up yourself (well, almost), and then there’s a whole sub-genre of that stuff.
Suffice it to say, my computer look way to futuristic, and so does my keyboard and monitor. But I guess that’s just the era we live in, everything is black and silver. Kind of boring when you think of it..
‘The first snow’s falling from the sky
The last leaves wavin’ sayin’ goodbye’
Yes, we had snow a few days ago, but fortunately, it melted away. I just cannot bear the thought of another winter like the one we had last/this year. And yet they say it will be the coldest winter in over 1000 years. I don’t understand.. Global warming anyone?
Be that as it may, it’s sunny outside now, and not too cold but I am of course as usual lazy as fuck. I thought about taking a walk, I even got as far as putting my jacket on and went outside the door, but just when I had gotten outside, I suddenly changed my mind!
I have no clue why, I just didn’t feel like taking a walk.
Hopefully this will change when I live closer to D. Maybe we can boost each other to take walks, exercise and stuff.
Another thing that I hope will change with D’s help, is my discipline with writing. I’m hoping that he can jumpstart my desire to write a little. To have someone to run ideas by and have brainstorming things would be really cool. But, still no apartment there. :(
While I’m on the subject of writing, I just thought I should mention Zim wiki. It’s a neat little tool for writing down ideas and stuff (or whatever you want to use it for). I really like it! Too bad I don’t have that many ideas to write down.. Maybe it’s performance anxiety? I want to fill that Zim document with lots o’ ideas, but I fail. Ok, not completely, I have written some, but not enough. Not as much as I want to. Maybe I should try more writing exercises? I did ask D for a random picture to write about, and he gave me one, and it was quite fun. Trying to write without knowing anything about the pic but letting your imagination run wild. Think I’ll do that again.
There’s too much blocking me when I write. Instead of just writing, I think about how I should form sentences, spelling etc. I edit before I write it basically, and that’s not how I want to work. I want to be more free. Think I will google for exercises now. And I will add a youtube video of how Zim works. Enjoy :D
So, supposedly, I am a domesticated furry.. ‘No problems taking orders’ is just.. well, it feels wrong. But hey, domesticated cats (yes, I see myself as a cat if I had to choose, I’m not a furry in ‘that’ sense) doesn’t do what they’re told like 95% of the time.
Erhm.. Well, it was just a fun test. I am kind of on the look out for cute/cool furry art (not the porn stuff, yiff, or whatever it is called). Why you ask? Well, I’ve never cared for furry art myself, but without giving too much away, I need it for inspiration, for a.. We could call it story, that I want to write. I really want to create this whole world like so many great fantasy writers like Tolkien or Katherine Kerr. But as said, I don’t want to give too much away. Maybe you’ll get to read it one day ;)
So, how has life been treating me since last I wrote here? It’s been some ups and downs to be honest. I don’t really know how I feel.. Still no apartment in D’s town. I feel torn about that. On one hand I need to leave like, now! And on the other.. Well, I did have this cat, Nicholas, for a while and he was Not happy with being an indoor cat. So suffice it to say this place need a little fixing up. Which of course I have to pay for. I should probably wait with the move and save the money. But I haven’t got a new apartment yet so.. There’s still time, I guess.
I turn.. 30.. next year in February. I hate that, but I thought I’d at least treat myself to something fun. Like a tattoo. But I wonder if I shouldn’t save that money instead.. Yeah, probably.
