Syntium – The Blog

‘There’s one thing that he loves
And that is flattery’

I’ve added a Flattr thingy to my blogs here at syntium.nu, so if you like my rants and pics and have a flattr account then.. What are you waiting for? ;D

No seriously, more people should use it as it is a great way to show support for something you think is great (and I don’t mean that my blog rants are great ;) I know it looks a little cluttered with the button there, and it will be like that until I find a way align it to the right.

Anyway, uh.. Still no apartment in D’s town, but I’m going to visit him Sunday, and stay for aproximately a week and we’ll see what happens.

On another note, since I did my gastric bypass in April, I have lost around 30 kilos (or 66 lbs). I can’t even begin to tell you how wonderful it feels to now be able walk for like half an hour and only feel a little tired! I hardly used to make it around the block, because my back hurt so much. But thankfully that pain is gone. I still have a fair bit to go yet, but I’m optimistic about it. Even though it can be hard sometimes when there’s something good on your plate and you can’t eat all you want, but that problem seems to have faded somewhat. The concept of not being able to eat as much has started to melt into my brain.

That was today’s rant and it was named after a SeaQuest DSV episode ^^

//Syntium

‘If there’s no one beside you
When your soul embark
Then I’ll follow you
Into the dark’

This is so hard. Being away from D I mean. Last time he was here, I didn’t want him to go home. I’m going to see him next week, so that’ll be great. Hopefully I’ll find an apartment too, so that I can move soon. To be able to hang out with him whenever without a day’s worth of train rides and such would feel great!

I love him so much I am bursting at the seams. I want to spend my whole life with him, one way or another..

Ah well..

//Syntium

‘And I don’t know what’s left of me
I don’t know whats right with me’

My mood is somewhat unbalanced at the moment. I keep shifting from sad, dispirited and saturnine. Or maybe those words have all the same meaning. I feel drained of all energy. Disappointed. Frustrated. Tired. Not physically, but mentally. And the thing is.. I’m not sure all of the aforementioned feelings are mine. I can’t help but getting the feeling that I have somehow taken over what D is feeling as well. He’s not exactly doing great at the moment, and I feel like a sponge sucking up his feelings. And I want to do that. I’d rather be miserable than that he should suffer. But it doesn’t feel as if it is helping.

It’s weekend. And first thing Monday morning I am going to make some calls to straighten out some question marks. What is frustrating is that it feels like forever until it’s Monday. I know it isn’t but I want to do something to get me out of here as soon as possible. As said, I feel drained and tired and not in the mood for anything. Things just suck at the moment and I can’t really, despite this blog entry, make out why.

Nevermind.

//Syntium

‘What if the world is:
Waiting there for the ones who love it
Offering all the fruits within it
Maybe I’m too comfortable here
in the same old town
In the same old town’

As always when I have come to a decision about something I want it to happen instantly! That is a frustrating feeling, I must say. But on the other hand, I have this strange feeling. I feel calm in that decision to move to D. I feel calm because I have never been more sure of something in my life, it feels. It’s a huge thing, to move like that, but it feels so right so I am confident it will take place.

Now is the time. I feel ready! I feel strong! And that worries me.. (Of course it does, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t worry about Something). I’m worried that I put too much faith in this move. That everything will be perfect as long as I move to D’s town. Nothing turns out the way you expect it to. Or maybe it will, but it won’t feel like you have imagined it to feel. Of course, that doesn’t mean it has to be bad, it’s just.. Never how you imagine it.

Still, I can’t wait to pack up my life in boxes and move out of this town!

//Syntium

‘There’s a crack in the door
It’s okay to want more
You’ve been dying for years’

That’s how it feels. Or maybe how I want to feel. That it’s okay to want more.
I have more or less decided that I will move to the town where D lives. It’s far away from where I live now, and it’s far away from my family here. I think that my mom wasn’t very happy about me moving. But I need to get away and really try my wings. And also live closer to D of course.

But I feel guilty for wanting that. For hurting them (my parents), but I can’t stay here any longer, it almost feels like I can’t breathe here. And I feel ashamed that I feel that, because I ‘shouldn’t’.

You know what you have but not what you will get, (translated from Swedish, so if it sounds funny..). The thing is that I don’t know what life will be like in D’s town. But on the other hand, I know what life is like here, and it almost feels like I don’t have a choice in the matter. I have to move Somewhere. But I still feel guilt ridden. =/

//Syntium

‘I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city’

Current mood: Calm

As the title suggests, there’s not a whole lot of activity that goes on in my life at the moment. But.. I think that will change. Hopefully I can try studying again, and make it work this time!
Don’t really know what happened last time, but right now as of this moment.. I feel like I can maybe do this.

And as the lyrics quote suggests.. Yeah I am so tired of this town! But if I have studying ahead of me then I won’t get out of here for another 4-5 years! I wish I could live closer to D. There’s nothing really that ties me to this place anymore, except well, family. But D is family too.
Ah, I am a little confused. This feeling of needing to move on is not a feeling that I’ve really had before. Quite the opposite, I’ve enjoyed the safety and the comforts of knowing this place inside out, and having family nearby. There’s no challenge in that. But as said, it will probably take a while yet before I get out of here.

//Syntium

Current mood: Pensive

So..  The weather outside kind of reflect my mood. It’s raining. Got depressing music in my playlist also. Don’t really know what’s wrong with me tonight. Well, except for the fact that a friend of mine has been dead for two years. She committed suicide.

I had this dream about her, or maybe you could say nightmare, that I’ve written about in the post called ‘Nightmares’. Anyway, it just hit me today, that I often think I see her on the town but it’s someone that looks like her or there’s something that reminds me of her and yet.. I haven’t dreamed of her since that nightmare, which I think is a little bit odd considering she occupies my mind quite a lot from time to time.

There’s always so much questions when someone dies. Was there something I could have done different? Most likely yes, but I seemed to lack the energy to be her friend. I preferred to be isolated, sitiing by my computer, living my life on the Internet. It feels like that was kind of selfish of me to withdraw when I felt that she needed more than I could give. I guess it was just an instinct for survival on my part. Maybe I unconsciously knew how bad it was, and withdrew so that she would not ‘drag me down’ with her.

I don’t know. I don’t know anything. The thing that frustrates me to no end is just that. That I’ll never have any answers. All I can do is to put a mental flower at her grave.

//Syntium

I love it! Just love it! Trying to post from it now, and adding a pic as well. We’ll ser how it goes.

//Syntium

Current mood: Frustrated

I want to write so bad it’s like a stomach cramp. Or be creative in Some way. Draw something. But it wouldn’t live up to my standards, so I’ll just give up before I start. -_-
I have this notebook where I (or is supposed to) scribble down ideas. And today (and yesterday) I wrote a diary of sorts and it felt really good to be holding a pen again, even though I only wrote about not having anything to write.

But the feeling.. The feeling of holding a pen and writing instead of tapping away on a keyboard, was almost overwhelmingly wonderful. Too bad I don’t have anything to write. That I feel is fun and tempting to write, because if I have that feeling about a story then I usually get some writing done.

Wish I could do something about this writer’s block.

//Syntium

Current mood: Sad, stressed out

I wish D was here. He is coming to visit in just 10 days, and I have started the countdown. Why am I stressed out? Because I am scared that time will fly by too fast when D comes. He’s staying here about two weeks, and I’m afraid that that won’t feel enough. That I won’t have the time to ‘get enough’ of him.

And sad then? Well, to be honest, it was something D said..
He said that it made him sad that I am a shopoholic. At first I was offended by that, thinking “It’s not like I don’t pay the bills and buy food first Before I buy stuff”. But then I thought about it and he’s right. I am a shopoholic. To my defense, I don’t buy random stuff just to buy them. But if it’s something I really want then I’ll buy it. The problem is I want a lot of things. I buy clothes that don’t really fit me yet. And today I bought this beautiful pendant. Anyway, if I find something that I really like to buy, or consider buying, I’ll tell D because I want his opinion.

Like the pendant. I guess I wanted him to say ‘Yeah, that’s a beautiful pendant that will fit you perfectly, you’ve got good taste’. Or something like that anyway. But I guess it all makes him uncomfortable in some way. Maybe what I am looking for is his ‘approval’ or so to say. I have this urge to buy stuff to satisfy something inside me, that I don’t really know what it is. (I wish my therapist wasn’t on vacation).

To be honest (again), there was a while when I didn’t feel this urge to buy stuff, and now it hit me like a ton of bricks. My best guess is that, I haven’t been very careful in taking my medicine. Complete and utter laziness was the cause. But now I’m back on track with taking it, but maybe this is an effect of not taking the medicine? That deep, deep, deeeeep down there’s some anxiety I am trying to control by buying stuff? I don’t know.

The title of this post is really random (or maybe not so random). It is the name of a picture D made, apparently it’s from a game (don’t remember which at this point) and means to kick someone in the groin.

//Syntium

One of my favorite movies of all time is ‘Pump up the volume’ (imdb) It came out around 1990 and it’s about a guy who runs his own pirate radio station. There’s a lot of anger and frustration in it that I related to as a teenager, being in school and still having compulsory school attendance.
I even day-dreamed of having my own radio station. Telling all of my thoughts and play music that I like. That didn’t happen, I wrote a book instead, about ten years later.

Anyway, I watched the movie again today, and I still feel like it has something important to tell us.
A quote from the movie: ‘Dear Harry, I think you’re boring and obnoxious and have a high opinion of yourself.’ Course some of you are probably thinking I sent this one to myself. ‘I think school is okay if you just look at it right. I mean I like your music, but I really don’t see why you can’t be cheerful for one second.’ I’ll tell you since you asked. I just arrived in this stupid suburb. I have no friends, no money, no car, no license. And even if I did have a license all I can do is drive out to some stupid mall. Maybe if I’m lucky play some fucking video games, smoke a joint and get stupid. You see, there’s nothing to do anymore. Everything decent’s been done. All the great themes have been used up. Turned into theme parks. So I don’t really find it exactly cheerful to be living in the middle of a totally, like, exhausted decade where there’s nothing to look forward to and no one to look up to.’

Sometimes I get that same feeling. That we’re living in an exhausted decade, everything’s been done, everything’s been said. But as I watched it today, it felt up-to-date, with free speech and so on. And it hit me that the Internet is this new thing! This is where ‘ordinary’ people can speak their minds, through blogs, videos and what have you.
But this freedom (as freedom always is) is fragile. Authorities and governments want to control it, monitoring the Internet, claiming that it’s for catching pedophiles and terrorists, but it really feels like you’re guilty until proven innocent.

Talk hard!

//Syntium

‘Who would have thought it could be amazing
Who would have thought the tiny corageous’

Oh my Lordy.. It’s been quite a while since I wrote here. It just hasn’t felt right, though I have had many thoughts popping up now and then about writing here.
There’s just been so much new stuff to get used to with the gastric bypass, like eating slooowly (I still haven’t got the hang of that), but.. I do have lost 20 kg so far! That feels really amazing, I mean 20 kg!! But at the same time a li’l frustrating. Because at the same time it goes slowly. I have a lot of clothes that I have bought before, thinking that ‘Well , I am going to lose weight so..’ But I did never lose that weight, until now that is. 20 kg but not enough for all of the t-shirts. The looked like they are glued to my body.

‘Nuff about that.. What else has happened? Not much, to tell you the truth. I have decided to actually postpone me getting cats to some time in the future. I just doesn’t feel right at the moment, despite my wish to have a furry friend. I just don’t get in that mood anymore of absolutely ‘must have cat’-feelings.

A thing that bugs me is that I don’t haven’t had much desire to write stuff since the surgery. This feeling of wanting to write stories so much that you actually sit down and do it. Not much of that, no. Although I started on a movie script, an idea that I’ve had since I was like 15.
It’s kind of frustrating, to want to want write, but you just don’t want to.

Ah, this wasn’t the deep, grand blog post I was hoping to come up with so I’ll see ya.

//Syntium

Current mood: So-so

I got released from the hospital exactly a week ago, and spent most of that week at my parents. Haven’t really had any energy to write this blog, mainly I guess because I haven’t reallly processed this ordeal. Because an ordeal it was!

I did my Gastric bypass on April 21st, a Wednesday. I got admitted to the hospital the day before, and as the day progressed I got more and more anxious that something would go wrong. But I told myself that ‘It’s only natural to feel worried’. And then Wednesday came and I did the surgery.

The day after (Thursday) I was in such pain I cried. I couldn’t stop the tears from running. I think they took some X-rays or something (it’s a bit of a blur now) and then said that it was a leakage between the intestine and the ‘new’ stomach. So, Friday, I was in surgery again and they fixed it.

The days after that were pure hell! I had a tube through my nose and down my stomach. No one heard what I was saying, and I thought I was screaming my lungs out (well, if I had had the energy to do that, I would). They kept putting needles in me, that stopped working, so it was decided that I was to get some thingy in a larger vein in the neck. And despite local anaesthesia, it was most unpleasant. And the ugly thing was that the first time it failed. It just popped out again (I luckily didn’t feel this). So back and do it again. They fucked up and got the thing in wrong! Back a third time, and by then I was so sick of everything. It was such a weird day. Later that night, when I spoke to D on the phone, he said something like that it was like you didn’t know what day it was. Like someone had put in an extra day in the week that you had no clue which day it actually was. And it was exactly like I had felt! Like someone just wanted to fuck you over, or something. A soul mate thing maybe, that we both felt the same thing the same day.

Anyway, as I was down and put that thingy in my throat for the last time, even the nurses said that I seemed to have lost my spark. They tried talking to me, joking with me and I was like ‘Leave me alone ffs!’ I just wanted to get through this alive, and I thought of telling my family that they shouldn’t call or visit so that I could focus on getting better. But I didn’t. Guess I didn’t want to hurt them, and truth be told, maybe somewhere I realised I needed their support.

And thus, slowly but surely, I got better. Though I did feel almost stripped of all dignity when I needed help with Everything.

Now I am toying with the idea of getting a tattoo again. Something that symbolizes a new start, my new life. I think I know what I want, but there’s plenty of holes to put that money in. On the other hand, my new life begins now, so I should do it like.. Now! =)

//Syntium

Current mood: Happy!

Finally I see the light at the end of the tunnel! On Wednesday is my surgery and I will be admitted to the hospital tomorrow.
I’m so excited! My new life has begun! And I have turned the massive tide that is weight gaining, and these past three weeks I have lost 7 kilos. It’s a long way to go yet, but it’s a start!
As said in previous blog post, I’m proud of myself. It has been (and is) tough and it probably won’t be easy getting a hang of new eating habits and stuff. But in the end it would be so worth it, if I could reach a more normal weight.

Other than that not much to tell :o)

//Syntium

‘Say hello to your future
I’m just pleased to meet you
You were a million miles away’

10 days to go with the liquid diet, then Gastric bypass!
I have really outdone myself this time. Don’t know what mode I’ve entered, but it really feel like I can do this. I have done 11 days of the liquid diet, and the first week was really  hard! But I made it, and though it’s still tough, it feels like downhill compared to the first week. And it really is, I’m more than halfway there! I’m just.. I am actually proud of myself! And that is not a feeling that I’m usually ‘haunted’ by ;o)

Though it must be said, I could not have done it without the massive support I’ve received. Or maybe I could have but it would have been helluva lot harder!

//Syntium